One of the things that Roberta soon found was that her intuitive notions in regard to all this were not withoutspeedy substantiation. For exactly as before, though with the usual insistence afterward that there was no realhelp for it, there continued to be these same last moment changes of plan and unannounced absences. Andalthough she complained at times, or pleaded, or merely contented herself with quite silent and not alwaysobvious "blues," still these same effected no real modification or improvement. For Clyde was now hopelesslyenamored of Sandra and by no means to be changed, or moved even, by anything in connection with Roberta.
Sondra was too wonderful
At the same time because she was there all of the working hours of each day in the same room with him, hecould not fail instinctively to feel some of the thoughts that employed her mind--such dark, sad, despairingthoughts. And these seized upon him at times as definitely and poignantly as though they were voices ofaccusation or complaint--so much so that he could not help but suggest by way of amelioration that he would liketo see her and that he was coming around that night if she were going to be home. And so distrait was she, andstill so infatuated with him, that she could not resist admitting that she wanted him to come. And once there, thepsychic personality of the past as well as of the room itself was not without its persuasion and hence emotionalcompulsion.
But most foolishly anticipating, as he now did, a future more substantial than the general local circumstanceswarranted, he was more concerned than ever lest his present relationship to Roberta should in any way proveinimical to all this. Supposing that Sondra at some time, in some way, should find out concerning Roberta? Howfatal that would be! Or that Roberta should become aware of his devotion to Sondra and so develop an active resentment which should carry her to the length of denouncing or exposing him. For subsequent to the NewYear's Eve engagement, he was all too frequently appearing at the factory of a morning with explanatorystatements that because of some invitation from the Griffiths, Harriets, or others, he would not be able to keep anengagement with her that night, for instance, that he had made a day or two before. And later, on three differentoccasions, because Sondra had called for him in her car, he had departed without a word, trusting to what mightcome to him the next day in the way of an excuse to smooth the matter over.
Yet anomalous, if not exactly unprecedented as it may seem, this condition of mingled sympathy and oppositiongave rise at last to the feeling in him that come what might he must find some method of severing this tie, eventhough it lacerated Roberta to the point of death (Why should he care? He had never told her that he would marryher.) or endangered his own position here in case she were not satisfied to release him as voicelessly as hewished. At other times it caused him to feel that indeed he was a sly and shameless and cruel person who hadtaken undue advantage of a girl who, left to herself, would never have troubled with him. And this latter mood,in spite of slights and lies and thinly excused neglects and absences at times in the face of the most definiteagreements--so strange is the libido of the race--brought about the reenactment of the infernal or celestialcommand laid upon Adam and his breed: "Thy desire shall be to thy mate."But there was this to be said in connection with the relationship between these two, that no time, owing to theinexperience of Clyde, as well as Roberta, had there been any adequate understanding or use of more than thesimplest, and for the most part unsatisfactory, contraceptive devices. About the middle of February, and,interestingly enough, at about the time when Clyde, because of the continuing favor of Sondra, had aboutreached the point where he was determined once and for all to end, not only this physical, but all otherconnection with Roberta, she on her part was beginning to see clearly that, in spite of his temporizing and herown incurable infatuation for him, pursuit of him by her was futile and that it would be more to the satisfactionof her pride, if not to the ease of her heart, if she were to leave here and in some other place seek some financialhelp that would permit her to live and still help her parents and forget him if she could. Unfortunately for this,she was compelled, to her dismay and terror, to enter the factory one morning, just about this time, her face asymbol of even graver and more terrifying doubts and fears than any that had hitherto assailed her. For now, inaddition to her own troubled conclusions in regard to Clyde, there had sprung up over night the dark andconstraining fear that even this might not now be possible, for the present at least. For because of her own andClyde's temporizing over his and her sentimentality and her unconquerable affection for him, she now, at a timewhen it was most inimical for both, found herself pregnant.
Ever since she had yielded to his blandishments, she had counted the days and always had been able tocongratulate herself that all was well. But forty-eight hours since the always exactly calculated time had nowpassed, and there had been no sign. And for four days preceding this Clyde had not even been near her. And hisattitude at the factory was more remote and indifferent than ever.
And now, this
And she had no one but him to whom she might turn. And he was in this estranged and indifferent mood.
Because of her fright, induced by the fear that with or without Clyde's aid she might not easily be extricated fromher threatened predicament, she could see her home, her mother, her relatives, all who knew her, and their thoughts in case anything like this should befall her. For of the opinion of society in general and what otherpeople might say, Roberta stood in extreme terror. The stigma of unsanctioned concupiscence! The shame ofillegitimacy for a child! It was bad enough, as she had always thought, listening to girls and women talk of lifeand marriage and adultery and the miseries that had befallen girls who had yielded to men and subsequently beendeserted, for a woman when she was safely married and sustained by the love and strength of a man--such love,for instance, as her brother-in-law Gabel brought to her sister Agnes, and her father to her mother in the firstyears, no doubt--and Clyde to her when he had so feverishly declared that he loved her.
But now--now
She could not permit any thoughts in regard to his recent or present attitude to delay her. Regardless of either, hemust help her. She did not know what else to do under such circumstances--which way to turn. And no doubtClyde did. At any rate he had said once that he would stand by her in case anything happened. And although,because at first, even on the third day on reaching the factory, she imagined that she might be exaggerating thedanger and that it was perhaps some physical flaw or lapse that might still overcome itself, still by late afternoonno evidence of any change coming to her, she began to be a prey to the most nameless terrors. What littlecourage she had mustered up to this time began to waver and break. She was all alone, unless he came to hernow. And she was in need of advice and good counsel--loving counsel. Oh, Clyde! Clyde! If he would only notbe so indifferent to her! He must not be! Something must be done, and right away--quick--else--Great Heavens,what a terrible thing this could easily come to be
At once she stopped her work between four and five in the afternoon and hurried to the dressing-room. And thereshe penned a note-- hurried, hysterical--a scrawl.
CLYDE--I must see you to-night, sure, SURE. You mustn't fail me. I have something to tell you. Please comeas soon after work as possible, or meet me anywhere. I'm not angry or mad about anything. But I must see youto-night, SURE. Please say right away where.
ROBERTA."And he, sensing a new and strange and quite terrified note in all this the moment he read it, at once looked overhis shoulder at her and, seeing her face so white and drawn, signaled that he would meet her. For judging by herface the thing she had to tell must be of the utmost importance to her, else why this tensity and excitement on herpart. And although he had another engagement later, as he now troublesomely recalled, at the Starks for dinner,still it was necessary to do this first. Yet, what was it anyhow? Was anybody dead or hurt or what--her mother orfather or brother or sister
At five-thirty, he made his way to the appointed place, wondering what it could be that could make her so paleand concerned. Yet at the same time saying to himself that if this other dream in regard to Sondra were to cometrue he must not let himself be reentangled by any great or moving sympathy--must maintain his new poise anddistance so that Roberta could see that he no longer cared for her as he had. Reaching the appointed place at sixo'clock, he found her leaning disconsolately against a tree in the shadow. She looked distraught, despondent.
Why, what's the matter, Bert? What are you so frightened about? What's happened?"Even his obviously dwindling affection was restimulated by her quite visible need of help.
Oh, Clyde," she said at last, "I hardly know how to tell you. It's so terrible for me if it's so." Her voice, tense andyet low, was in itself a clear proof of her anguish and uncertainty.
Why, what is it, Bert? Why don't you tell me?" he reiterated, briskly and yet cautiously, essaying an air ofdetached assurance which he could not quite manage in this instance. "What's wrong? What are you so excitedabout? You're all trembly."Because of the fact that never before in all his life had he been confronted by any such predicament as this, it didnot even now occur to him just what the true difficulty could be. At the same time, being rather estranged andhence embarrassed by his recent treatment of her, he was puzzled as to just what attitude to assume in a situationwhere obviously something was wrong. Being sensitive to conventional or moral stimuli as he still was, he couldnot quite achieve a discreditable thing, even where his own highest ambitions were involved, without a measureof regret or at least shame. Also he was so anxious to keep his dinner engagement and not to be further involvedthat his manner was impatient. It did not escape Roberta.
You know, Clyde," she pleaded, both earnestly and eagerly, the very difficulty of her state encouraging her tobe bold and demanding, "you said if anything went wrong you'd help me."At once, because of those recent few and, as he now saw them, foolish visits to her room, on which occasionsbecause of some remaining sentiment and desire on the part of both he had been betrayed into sporadic anddecidedly unwise physical relations with her, he now realized what the difficulty was. And that it was a severe,compelling, dangerous difficulty, if it were true. Also that he was to blame and that here was a real predicamentthat must be overcome, and that quickly, unless a still greater danger was to be faced. Yet, simultaneously, hisvery recent and yet decidedly compelling indifference dictating, he was almost ready now to assume that thismight be little more than a ruse or lovelorn device or bit of strategy intended to retain or reenlist his interest inspite of himself--a thought which he was only in part ready to harbor. Her manner was too dejected anddespairing. And with the first dim realization of how disastrous such a complication as this might prove to be inhis case, he began to be somewhat more alarmed than irritated. So much so that he exclaimed
Yes, but how do you know that there is anything wrong? You can't be sure so soon as all this, can you? Howcan you? You'll probably be all right to-morrow, won't you?" At the same time his voice was beginning tosuggest the uncertainty that he felt.
Oh, no, I don't think so, Clyde. I wish I did. It's two whole days, and it's never been that way before."Her manner as she said this was so obviously dejected and self-commiserating that at once he was compelled todismiss the thought of intrigue. At the same time, unwilling to face so discouraging a fact so soon, he added
Oh, well, that might not mean anything, either. Girls go longer than two days, don't they?"The tone, implying as it did uncertainty and non-sophistication even, which previously had not appearedcharacteristic of him, was sufficient to alarm Roberta to the point where she exclaimed: "Oh, no, I don't think so.
Anyhow, it would be terrible, wouldn't it, if something were wrong? What do you suppose I ought to do? Don'tyou know something I can take?"At once Clyde, who had been so brisk and urgent in establishing this relationship and had given Roberta theimpression that he was a sophisticated and masterful youth who knew much more of life than ever she couldhope to know, and to whom all such dangers and difficulties as were implied in the relationship could be leftwith impunity, was at a loss what to do. Actually, as he himself now realized, he was as sparingly informed inregard to the mysteries of sex and the possible complications attending upon such a situation as any youth of hisyears could well be. True, before coming here he had browsed about Kansas City and Chicago with suchworldly-wise mentors of the hotel bell-boy world as Ratterer, Higby, Hegglund and others and had listened tomuch of their gossiping and boasting. But their knowledge, for all their boasting, as he now half guessed, musthave related to girls who were as careless and uninformed as themselves. And beyond those again, although hewas by no means so clearly aware of that fact now, lay little more than those rumored specifics and preventativesof such quack doctors and shady druggists and chemists as dealt with intelligences of the Hegglund and Rattererorder. But even so, where were such things to be obtained in a small city like Lycurgus? Since dropping Dillardhe had no intimates let alone trustworthy friends who could be depended on to help in such a crisis.
The best he could think of for the moment was to visit some local or near-by druggist who might, for a price,provide him with some worth-while prescription or information. But for how much? And what were the dangersin connection with such a proceeding? Did they talk? Did they ask questions? Did they tell any one else aboutsuch inquiries or needs? He looked so much like Gilbert Griffiths, who was so well known in Lycurgus that anyone recognizing him as Gilbert might begin to talk of him in that way and so bring about trouble.
And this terrible situation arising now--when in connection with Sondra, things had advanced to the point whereshe was now secretly permitting him to kiss her, and, more pleasing still, exhibiting little evidences of heraffection and good will in the form of presents of ties, a gold pencil, a box of most attractive handkerchiefs, alldelivered to his door in his absence with a little card with her initials, which had caused him to feel sure that hisfuture in connection with her was of greater and greater promise. So much so that even marriage, assuming thather family might not prove too inimical and that her infatuation and diplomacy endured, might not be beyond thebounds of possibility. He could not be sure, of course. Her true intentions and affections so far were veiledbehind a tantalizing evasiveness which made her all the more desirable. Yet it was these things that had beencausing him to feel that he must now, and speedily, extract himself as gracefully and unirritatingly as possiblefrom his intimacy with Roberta.
For that reason, therefore, he now announced, with pretended assurance: "Well, I wouldn't worry about it anymore to-night if I were you. You may be all right yet, you know. You can't be sure. Anyhow, I'll have to have alittle time until I can see what I can do. I think I can get something for you. But I wish you wouldn't get soexcited."At the same time he was far from feeling as secure as he sounded. In fact he was very much shaken. His originaldetermination to have as little to do with her as possible, was now complicated by the fact that he was confrontedby a predicament that spelled real danger to himself, unless by some argument or assertion he could absolvehimself of any responsibility in connection with this--a possibility which, in view of the fact that Roberta stillworked for him, that he had written her some notes, and that any least word from her would precipitate an inquiry which would prove fatal to him, was sufficient to cause him to feel that he must assist her speedily andwithout a breath of information as to all this leaking out in any direction. At the same time it is only fair to saythat because of all that had been between them, he did not object to assisting her in any way that he could. But inthe event that he could not (it was so that his thoughts raced forward to an entirely possible inimical conclusionto all this) well, then--well, then--might it not be possible at least--some fellows, if not himself would--to denythat he had held any such relationship with her and so escape. That possibly might be one way out--if only hewere not as treacherously surrounded as he was here.
But the most troublesome thing in connection with all this was the thought that he knew of nothing that wouldreally avail in such a case, other than a doctor. Also that that probably meant money, time, danger--just what didit mean? He would see her in the morning, and if she weren't all right by then he would act.
And Roberta, for the first time forsaken in this rather casual and indifferent way, and in such a crisis as this,returned to her room with her thoughts and fears, more stricken and agonized than ever before she had been in allher life.