The first effect of the doctor's decision was to shock and terrify them both--Roberta and Clyde--beyond measure.
For apparently now here was illegitimacy and disgrace for Roberta. Exposure and destruction for Clyde. And thishad been their one solution seemingly. Then, by degrees, for Clyde at least, there was a slight lifting of the heavypall. Perhaps, after all, as the doctor had suggested--and once she had recovered her senses sufficiently to talk,she had told him--the end had not been reached. There was the bare possibility, as suggested by the druggist,Short and the doctor, that she might be mistaken. And this, while not producing a happy reaction in her, had theunsatisfactory result of inducing in Clyde a lethargy based more than anything else on the ever-haunting fear ofinability to cope with this situation as well as the certainty of social exposure in case he did not which causedhim, instead of struggling all the more desperately, to defer further immediate action. For, such was his naturethat, although he realized clearly the probably tragic consequences if he did not act, still it was so hard to think towhom else to apply to without danger to himself. To think that the doctor had "turned her down," as he phrasedit, and that Short's advice should have been worth as little as that
But apart from nervous thoughts as to whom to turn to next, no particular individual occurred to him before thetwo weeks were gone, or after. It was so hard to just ask anywhere. One just couldn't do it. Besides, of whomcould he ask now? Of whom? These things took time, didn't they? Yet in the meantime, the days going by, bothhe and Roberta had ample time to consider what, if any, steps they must take--the one in regard to the other--incase no medical or surgical solution was found. For Roberta, while urging and urging, if not so much by wordsas by expression and mood at her work, was determined that she must not be left to fight this out alone--shecould not be. On the other hand, as she could see, Clyde did nothing. For apart from what he had alreadyattempted to do, he was absolutely at a loss how to proceed. He had no intimates and in consequence he couldonly think of presenting the problem as an imaginary one to one individual and another here or there in the hopeof extracting some helpful information. At the same time, and as impractical and evasive as it may seem, therewas the call of that diverting world of which Sondra was a part, evenings and Sundays, when, in spite ofRoberta's wretched state and mood, he was called to go here and there, and did, because in so doing he wasactually relieving his own mind of the dread specter of disaster that was almost constantly before it. If only hecould get her out of this! If only he could. But how, without money, intimates, a more familiar understanding ofthe medical or if not that exactly, then the sub rosa world of sexual free-masonry which some at times--the bellhopsof the Green-Davidson, for instance, seemed to understand. He had written to Ratterer, of course, but therehad been no answer, since Ratterer had removed to Florida and as yet Clyde's letter had not reached him. Andlocally all those he knew best were either connected with the factory or society--individuals on the one hand tooinexperienced or dangerous, or on the other hand, too remote and dangerous, since he was not sufficientlyintimate with any of them as yet to command their true confidence and secrecy.
At the same time he must do something--he could not just rest and drift. Assuredly Roberta could not long permithim to do that-- faced as she was by exposure. And so from time to time he actually racked himself--seized uponstraws and what would have been looked upon by most as forlorn chances. Thus, for instance, an associateforeman, chancing to reminisce one day concerning a certain girl in his department who had "gotten in trouble"and had been compelled to leave, he had been given the opportunity to inquire what he thought such a girl did in case she could not afford or did not want to have a child. But this particular foreman, being as uninformed ashimself, merely observed that she probably had to see a doctor if she knew one or "go through with it"--whichleft Clyde exactly where he was. On another occasion, in connection with a conversation in a barber shop,relating to a local case reported in The Star where a girl was suing a local ne'er-do-well for breach of promise,the remark was made that she would "never have sued that guy, you bet, unless she had to." Whereupon Clydeseized the opportunity to remark hopefully, "But wouldn't you think that she could find some way of getting outof trouble without marrying a fellow she didn't like?""Well, that's not so easy as you may think, particularly around here," elucidated the wiseacre who was trimminghis hair. "In the first place it's agin' the law. And next it takes a lotta money. An' in case you ain't got it, well,money makes the mare go, you know." He snip-snipped with his scissors while Clyde, confronted by his ownproblem, meditated on how true it was. If he had a lot of money--even a few hundred dollars--he might take itnow and possibly persuade her--who could tell--to go somewhere by herself and have an operation performed.
Yet each day, as on the one before, he was saying to himself that he must find some one. And Roberta wassaying to herself that she too must act--must not really depend on Clyde any longer if he were going to act so.
One could not trifle or compromise with a terror of this kind. It was a cruel imposition on her. It must be thatClyde did not realize how terribly this affected her and even him. For certainly, if he were not going to help herout of it, as he had distinctly said he would do at first, then decidedly she could not be expected to weather thesubsequent storm alone. Never, never, never! For, after all, as Roberta saw it, Clyde was a man--he had a goodposition--it was not he, but she, who was in this treacherous position and unable to extricate herself alone.
And beginning with the second day after the second period, when she discovered for once and all that her worstsuspicions were true, she not only emphasized the fact in every way that she could that she was distressedbeyond all words, but on the third day announced to him in a note that she was again going to see the doctor nearGloversville that evening, regardless of his previous refusal--so great was her need--and also asking Clydewhether he would accompany her--a request which, since he had not succeeded in doing anything, and althoughhe had an engagement with Sondra, he instantly acceded to--feeling it to be of greater importance than anythingelse. He must excuse himself to Sondra on the ground of work.
And accordingly this second trip was made, a long and nervous conversation between himself and Roberta on theway resulting in nothing more than some explanations as to why thus far he had not been able to achieveanything, plus certain encomiums addressed to her concerning her courage in acting for herself in this way.
Yet the doctor again would not and did not act. After waiting nearly an hour for his return from somewhere, shewas merely permitted to tell him of her unchanged state and her destroying fears in regard to herself, but with nohint from him that he could be induced to act as indeed he could act. It was against his prejudices and ethics.
And so once more Roberta returned, this time not crying, actually too sad to cry, choked with the weight of herimpending danger and the anticipatory fears and miseries that attended it.
And Clyde, hearing of this defeat, was at last reduced to a nervous, gloomy silence, absolutely devoid of ahelpful suggestion. He could not think what to say and was chiefly fearful lest Roberta now make some demandwith which socially or economically he could not comply. However, in regard to this she said little on the way home. Instead she sat and stared out of the window--thinking of her defenseless predicament that was becomingmore real and terrible to her hourly. By way of excuse she pleaded that she had a headache. She wanted to bealone--only to think more--to try to work out a solution. She must work out some way. That she knew. But what
How? What could she do? How could she possibly escape? She felt like a cornered animal fighting for its lifewith all odds against it, and she thought of a thousand remote and entirely impossible avenues of escape, only toreturn to the one and only safe and sound solution that she really felt should be possible--and that was marriage.
And why not? Hadn't she given him all, and that against her better judgment? Hadn't he overpersuaded her? Whowas he anyway to so cast her aside? For decidedly at times, and especially since this latest crisis had developed,his manner, because of Sondra and the Griffiths and what he felt to be the fatal effect of all this on his dreamshere, was sufficient to make plain that love was decidedly dead, and that he was not thinking nearly so much ofthe meaning of her state to her, as he was of its import to him, the injury that was most certain to accrue to him.
And when this did not completely terrify her, as mostly it did, it served to irritate and slowly develop theconclusion that in such a desperate state as this, she was justified in asking more than ordinarily she would havedreamed of asking, marriage itself, since there was no other door. And why not? Wasn't her life as good as his
And hadn't he joined his to hers, voluntarily? Then, why shouldn't he strive to help her now--or, failing that,make this final sacrifice which was the only one by which she could be rescued apparently. For who were all thesociety people with whom he was concerned anyhow? And why should he ask her in such a crisis to sacrificeherself, her future and good name, just because of his interest in them? They had never done anything very muchfor him, certainly not as much as had she. And, just because he was wearying now, after persuading her to do hisbidding--was that any reason why now, in this crisis, he should be permitted to desert her? After all, wouldn't allof these society people in whom he was so much interested feel that whatever his relationship to them, she wouldbe justified in taking the course which she might be compelled to take
She brooded on this much, more especially on the return from this second attempt to induce Dr. Glenn to helpher. In fact, at moments, her face took on a defiant, determined look which was seemingly new to her, but whichonly developed suddenly under such pressure. Her jaw became a trifle set. She had made a decision. He wouldhave to marry her. She must make him if there were no other way out of this. She must--she must. Think of herhome, her mother, Grace Marr, the Newtons, all who knew her in fact--the terror and pain and shame with whichthis would sear all those in any way identified with her--her father, brothers, sisters. Impossible! Impossible! Itmust not and could not be! Impossible. It might seem a little severe to her, even now, to have to insist on this,considering all the emphasis Clyde had hitherto laid upon his prospects here. But how, how else was she to do
Accordingly the next day, and not a little to his surprise, since for so many hours the night before they had beentogether, Clyde received another note telling him that he must come again that night. She had something to say tohim, and there was something in the tone of the note that seemed to indicate or suggest a kind of defiance of arefusal of any kind, hitherto absent in any of her communications to him. And at once the thought that thissituation, unless cleared away, was certain to prove disastrous, so weighed upon him that he could not but put thebest face possible on it and consent to go and hear what it was that she had to offer in the way of a solution--or-onthe other hand, of what she had to complain.
Going to her room at a late hour, he found her in what seemed to him a more composed frame of mind than atany time since this difficulty had appeared, a state which surprised him a little, since he had expected to find herin tears. But now, if anything, she appeared more complacent, her nervous thoughts as to how to bring about asatisfactory conclusion for herself having called into play a native shrewdness which was now seeking to exercise itself.
And so directly before announcing what was in her mind, she began by asking: "You haven't found out aboutanother doctor, have you, Clyde, or thought of anything?""No, I haven't, Bert," he replied most dismally and wearisomely, his own mental tether-length having beenstrained to the breaking point. "I've been trying to, as you know, but it's so darn hard to find any one who isn'tafraid to monkey with a case like this. Honest, to tell the truth, Bert, I'm about stumped. I don't know what weare going to do unless you can think of something. You haven't thought or heard of any one else you could go to,have you?" For, during the conversation that had immediately followed her first visit to the doctor, he had hintedto her that by striking up a fairly intimate relationship with one of the foreign family girls, she might by degreesextract some information there which would be of use to both. But Roberta was not of a temperament thatpermitted of any such facile friendships, and nothing had come of it.
However, his stating that he was "stumped" now gave her the opportunity she was really desiring, to present theproposition which she felt to be unavoidable and not longer to be delayed. Yet being fearful of how Clyde wouldreact, she hesitated as to the form in which she would present it, and, after shaking her head and manifesting anervousness which was real enough, she finally said: "Well, I'll tell you, Clyde. I've been thinking about it and Idon't see any way out of it unless--unless you, well, marry me. It's two months now, you know, and unless we getmarried right away, everybody'll know, won't they?"Her manner as she said this was a mixture of outward courage born out of her conviction that she was in the rightand an inward uncertainty about Clyde's attitude, which was all the more fused by a sudden look of surprise,resentment, uncertainty and fear that now transformation-wise played over his countenance; a variation and playwhich, if it indicated anything definite, indicated that she was seeking to inflict an unwarranted injury on him.
For since he had been drawing closer and closer to Sondra, his hopes had heightened so intensely that,hearkening to this demand on the part of Roberta now, his brow wrinkled and his manner changed from one ofcomparatively affable, if nervous, consideration to that of mingled fear, opposition as well as determination toevade drastic consequence. For this would spell complete ruin for him, the loss of Sondra, his job, his socialhopes and ambitions in connection with the Griffiths--all--a thought which sickened and at the same time causedhim to hesitate about how to proceed. But he would not! he would not! He would not do this! Never! Never
Never
Yet after a moment he exclaimed equivocally: "Well, gee, that's all right, too, Bert, for you, because that fixeseverything without any trouble at all. But what about me? You don't want to forget that that isn't going to be easyfor me, the way things are now. You know I haven't any money. All I have is my job. And besides, the familydon't know anything about you yet--not a thing. And if it should suddenly come out now that we've been goingtogether all this time, and that this has happened, and that I was going to have to get married right away, well,gee, they'll know I've been fooling 'em and they're sure to get sore. And then what? They might even fire me."He paused to see what effect this explanation would have, but noting the somewhat dubious expression which oflate characterized Roberta's face whenever he began excusing himself, he added hopefully and evasively, seekingby any trick that he could to delay this sudden issue: "Besides, I'm not so sure that I can't find a doctor yet, either.
I haven't had much luck so far, but that's not saying that I won't. And there's a little time yet, isn't there? Sure there is. It's all right up to three months anyway." (He had since had a letter from Ratterer who had commentedon this fact.) "And I did hear something the other day of a doctor over in Albany who might do it. Anyway, Ithought I'd go over and see before I said anything about him."His manner, when he said this, was so equivocal that Roberta could tell he was merely lying to gain time. Therewas no doctor in Albany. Besides it was so plain that he resented her suggestion and was only thinking of someway of escaping it. And she knew well enough that at no time had he said directly that he would marry her. Andwhile she might urge, in the last analysis she could not force him to do anything. He might just go away alone, ashe had once said in connection with inadvertently losing his job because of her. And how much greater might nothis impulse in that direction now be, if this world here in which he was so much interested were taken away fromhim, and he were to face the necessity of taking her and a child, too. It made her more cautious and caused her tomodify her first impulse to speak out definitely and forcefully, however great her necessity might be. And sodisturbed was he by the panorama of the bright world of which Sondra was the center and which was now atstake, that he could scarcely think clearly. Should he lose all this for such a world as he and Roberta couldprovide for themselves--a small home--a baby, such a routine work-a-day life as taking care of her and a babyon such a salary as he could earn, and from which most likely he would never again be freed! God! A sense ofnausea seized him. He could not and would not do this. And yet, as he now saw, all his dreams could be so easilytumbled about his ears by her and because of one false step on his part. It made him cautious and for the firsttime in his life caused tact and cunning to visualize itself as a profound necessity.
And at the same time, Clyde was sensing inwardly and somewhat shamefacedly all of this profound change inhimself.
But Roberta was saying: "Oh, I know, Clyde, but you yourself said just now that you were stumped, didn't you
And every day that goes by just makes it so much the worse for me, if we're not going to be able to get a doctor.
You can't get married and have a child born within a few months--you know that. Every one in the world wouldknow. Besides I have myself to consider as well as you, you know. And the baby, too." (At the mere mention ofa coming child Clyde winced and recoiled as though he had been slapped. She noted it.) "I just must do one oftwo things right away, Clyde--get married or get out of this and you don't seem to be able to get me out of it, doyou? If you're so afraid of what your uncle might think or do in case we get married," she added nervously andyet suavely, "why couldn't we get married right away and then keep it a secret for a while--as long as we could,or as long as you thought we ought to," she added shrewdly. "Meanwhile I could go home and tell my parentsabout it--that I am married, but that it must be kept a secret for a while. Then when the time came, when thingsgot so bad that we couldn't stay here any longer without telling, why we could either go away somewhere, if wewanted to--that is, if you didn't want your uncle to know, or we could just announce that we were married sometime ago. Lots of young couples do that nowadays. And as for getting along," she went on, noting a sudden dourshadow that passed over Clyde's face like a cloud, "why we could always find something to do--I know I could,anyhow, once the baby is born."When first she began to speak, Clyde had seated himself on the edge of the bed, listening nervously anddubiously to all she had to offer. However, when she came to that part which related to marriage and going away,he got up--an irresistible impulse to move overcoming him. And when she concluded with the commonplacesuggestion of going to work as soon as the baby was born, he looked at her with little less than panic in his eyes.
To think of marrying and being in a position where it would be necessary to do that, when with a little luck and without interference from her, he might marry Sondra.
Oh, yes, that's all right for you, Bert. That fixes everything up for you, but how about me? Why, gee whiz, I'veonly got started here now as it is, and if I have to pack up and get out, and I would have to, if ever they found outabout this, why I don't know what I'd do. I haven't any business or trade that I could turn my hand to. It might gohard with both of us. Besides my uncle gave me this chance because I begged him to, and if I walked off now henever would do anything for me."In his excitement he was forgetting that at one time and another in the past he had indicated to Roberta that thestate of his own parents was not wholly unprosperous and that if things did not go just to his liking here, he couldreturn west and perhaps find something to do out there. And it was some general recollection of this that nowcaused her to ask: "Couldn't we go out to Denver or something like that? Wouldn't your father be willing to helpyou get something for a time, anyhow?"Her tone was very soft and pleading, an attempt to make Clyde feel that things could not be as bad as he wasimagining. But the mere mention of his father in connection with all this--the assumption that he, of all people,might prove an escape from drudgery for them both, was a little too much. It showed how dreadfully incompletewas her understanding of his true position in this world. Worse, she was looking for help from that quarter. And,not finding it, later might possibly reproach him for that--who could tell--for his lies in connection with it. Itmade so very clear now the necessity for frustrating, if possible, and that at once, any tendency toward this ideaof marriage. It could not be-- ever.
And yet how was he to oppose this idea with safety, since she felt that she had this claim on him--how say to heropenly and coldly that he could not and would not marry her? And unless he did so now she might think it wouldbe fair and legitimate enough for her to compel him to do so. She might even feel privileged to go to his uncle-hiscousin (he could see Gilbert's cold eyes) and expose him! And then destruction! Ruin! The end of all hisdreams in connection with Sondra and everything else here. But all he could think of saying now was: "But Ican't do this, Bert, not now, anyway," a remark which at once caused Roberta to assume that the idea ofmarriage, as she had interjected it here, was not one which, under the circumstances, he had the courage tooppose--his saying, "not now, anyway." Yet even as she was thinking this, he went swiftly on with: "Besides Idon't want to get married so soon. It means too much to me at this time. In the first place I'm not old enough andI haven't got anything to get married on. And I can't leave here. I couldn't do half as well anywhere else. Youdon't realize what this chance means to me. My father's all right, but he couldn't do what my uncle could and hewouldn't. You don't know or you wouldn't ask me to do this."He paused, his face a picture of puzzled fear and opposition. He was not unlike a harried animal, deftly pursuedby hunter and hound. But Roberta, imagining that his total defection had been caused by the social side ofLycurgus as opposed to her own low state and not because of the superior lure of any particular girl, now retortedresentfully, although she desired not to appear so: "Oh, yes, I know well enough why you can't leave. It isn't yourposition here, though, half as much as it is those society people you are always running around with. I know.
You don't care for me any more, Clyde, that's it, and you don't want to give these other people up for me. I knowthat's it and nothing else. But just the same it wasn't so very long ago that you did, although you don't seem toremember it now." Her cheeks burned and her eyes flamed as she said this. She paused a moment while he gazedat her wondering about the outcome of all this. "But you can't leave me to make out any way I can, just the same, because I won't be left this way, Clyde. I can't! I can't! I tell you." She grew tense and staccato, "It means toomuch to me. I don't know how to do alone and I, besides, have no one to turn to but you and you must help me.
I've got to get out of this, that's all, Clyde, I've got to. I'm not going to be left to face my people and everybodywithout any help or marriage or anything." As she said this, her eyes turned appealingly and yet savagely towardhim and she emphasized it all with her hands, which she clinched and unclinched in a dramatic way. "And if youcan't help me out in the way you thought," she went on most agonizedly as Clyde could see, "then you've got tohelp me out in this other, that's all. At least until I can do for myself I just won't be left. I don't ask you to marryme forever," she now added, the thought that if by presenting this demand in some modified form, she couldinduce Clyde to marry her, it might be possible afterwards that his feeling toward her would change to a muchmore kindly one. "You can leave me after a while if you want to. After I'm out of this. I can't prevent you fromdoing that and I wouldn't want to if I could. But you can't leave me now. You can't. You can't! Besides," sheadded, "I didn't want to get myself in this position and I wouldn't have, but for you. But you made me and mademe let you come in here. And now you want to leave me to shift for myself, just because you think you won't beable to go in society any more, if they find out about me."She paused, the strain of this contest proving almost too much for her tired nerves. At the same time she began tosob nervously and yet not violently--a marked effort at self-restraint and recovery marking her every gesture.
And after a moment or two in which both stood there, he gazing dumbly and wondering what else he was to sayin answer to all this, she struggling and finally managing to recover her poise, she added: "Oh, what is it aboutme that's so different to what I was a couple of months ago, Clyde? Will you tell me that? I'd like to know. Whatis it that has caused you to change so? Up to Christmas, almost, you were as nice to me as any human beingcould be. You were with me nearly all the time you had, and since then I've scarcely had an evening that I didn'tbeg for. Who is it? What is it? Some other girl, or what, I'd like to know--that Sondra Finchley or BertineCranston, or who?"Her eyes as she said this were a study. For even to this hour, as Clyde could now see to his satisfaction, since hefeared the effect on Roberta of definite and absolute knowledge concerning Sondra, she had no specificsuspicion, let alone positive knowledge concerning any girl. And coward-wise, in the face of her presentpredicament and her assumed and threatened claims on him, he was afraid to say what or who the real cause ofthis change was. Instead he merely replied and almost unmoved by her sorrow, since he no longer really caredfor her: "Oh, you're all wrong, Bert. You don't see what the trouble is. It's my future here--if I leave here Icertainly will never find such an opportunity. And if I have to marry in this way or leave here it will all goflooey. I want to wait and get some place first before I marry, see--save some money and if I do this I won't havea chance and you won't either," he added feebly, forgetting for the moment that up to this time he had beenindicating rather clearly that he did not want to have anything more to do with her in any way.
Besides," he continued, "if you could only find some one, or if you would go away by yourself somewhere for awhile, Bert, and go through with this alone, I could send you the money to do it on, I know. I could have itbetween now and the time you had to go."His face, as he said this, and as Roberta clearly saw, mirrored the complete and resourceless collapse of all hisrecent plans in regard to her. And she, realizing that his indifference to her had reached the point where he couldthus dispose of her and their prospective baby in this casual and really heartless manner, was not only angered inpart, but at the same time frightened by the meaning of it all.
Oh, Clyde," she now exclaimed boldly and with more courage and defiance than at any time since she hadknown him, "how you have changed! And how hard you can be. To want me to go off all by myself and just tosave you--so you can stay here and get along and marry some one here when I am out of the way and you don'thave to bother about me any more. Well, I won't do it. It's not fair. And I won't, that's all. I won't. And that's allthere is to it. You can get some one to get me out of this or you can marry me and come away with me, at leastlong enough for me to have the baby and place myself right before my people and every one else that knows me.
I don't care if you leave me afterwards, because I see now that you really don't care for me any more, and if that'sthe way you feel, I don't want you any more than you want me. But just the same, you must help me now--youmust. But, oh, dear," she began whimpering again, and yet only slightly and bitterly. "To think that all our lovefor each other should have come to this--that I am asked to go away by myself--all alone--with no one--whileyou stay here, oh, dear! oh, dear! And with a baby on my hands afterwards. And no husband."She clinched her hands and shook her head bleakly. Clyde, realizing well enough that his proposition certainlywas cold and indifferent but, in the face of his intense desire for Sondra, the best or at least safest that he coulddevise, now stood there unable for the moment to think of anything more to say.
And although there was some other discussion to the same effect, the conclusion of this very difficult hour wasthat Clyde had another week or two at best in which to see if he could find a physician or any one who wouldassist him. After that--well after that the implied, if not openly expressed, threat which lay at the bottom of thiswas, unless so extricated and speedily, that he would have to marry her, if not permanently, then at leasttemporarily, but legally just the same, until once again she was able to look after herself--a threat which was ascrushing and humiliating to Roberta as it was torturing to him.