IT WAS SPRING BREAK IN FORKS AGAIN. WHEN I WOKE UP on Monday morning, I lay inbed for a few seconds absorbing that. Last spring break, I'd been hunted by a vampire, too. I hoped thiswasn't some kind of tradition forming.
Already I was falling into the pattern of things in La Push. I'd spent Sunday mostly on the beach, whileCharlie hung out with Billy at the Blacks' house. I was supposed to be with Jacob, but Jacob had otherthings to do, so I wandered alone, keeping the secret from Charlie.
When Jacob dropped in to check on me, he apologized for ditching me so much. He told me hisschedule wasn't always this crazy, but until Victoria was stopped, the wolves were on red alert.
When we walked along the beach now, he always held my hand.
This made me brood over what Jared had said, about Jacob involving his "girlfriend." I supposed that thatwas exactly what it looked like from the outside. As long as Jake and I knew how it really was, Ishouldn't let those kinds of assumptions bother me. And maybe they wouldn't, if I hadn't known thatJacob would have loved for things to be what they appeared. But his hand felt nice as it warmed mine,and I didn't protest.
I worked Tuesday afternoon—Jacob followed me on his bike to make sure I arrived safely—and Mikenoticed.
Are you dating that kid from La Push? The sophomore?" He asked, poorly disguising the resentment inhis tone.
I shrugged. "Not in the technical sense of the word. I do spent most of my time with Jacob, though. He'smy best friend."Mike's eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Don't kid yourself, Bella. The guy's head over heels for you.""I know," I sighed. "Life is complicated.""And girls are cruel," Mike said under his breath.
I supposed that was an easy assumption to make, too.
That night, Sam and Emily joined Charlie and me for dessert at Billy's house. Emily brought a cake thatwould have won over a harder man than Charlie. I could see, as the conversation flowed naturallythrough a range of casual subjects, that any worries Charlie might have harbored about gangs in La Pushwere being dissolved.
Jake and I skipped out early, to get some privacy. We went out to his garage and sat in the Rabbit.
Jacob leaned his head back, his face drawn with exhaustion.
You need some sleep, Jake." "I'll get around to it."He reached over and took my hand. His skin was blazing on mine.
Is that one of those wolf things?" I asked him. "The heat, I mean.""Yeah. We run a little warmer than the normal people. About one-oh-eight, one-oh-nine. I never get coldanymore. I could stand like this"—he gestured to his bare torso—"in a snowstorm and it wouldn't botherme. The flakes would turn to rain where I stood.""And you all heal fast—that's a wolf thing, too?""Yeah, wanna see? It's pretty cool." His eyes flipped open and he grinned. He reached around me to theglove compartment and dug around for a minute. His hand came out with a pocketknife.
No, I do not want to see!" I shouted as soon as I realized what he was thinking. "Put that away!"Jacob chuckled, but shoved the knife back where it belonged. "Fine. It's a good thing we heal, though.
You can't go see just any doctor when you're running a temperature that should mean you're dead.""No, I guess not." I thought about that for a minute. "… And being so big—that's part of it? Is that whyyou're all worried about Quil?""That and the fact that Quil's grandfather says the kid could fry an egg on his forehead." Jacob's faceturned hopeless. "It won't be long now. There's no exact age… it just builds and builds and thensuddenly—" He broke off, and it was a moment before he could speak again. "Sometimes, if you getreally upset or something, that can trigger it early. But I wasn't upset about anything—I was happy." Helaughed bitterly. "Because of you, mostly. That's why it didn't happen to me sooner. Instead it just kepton building up inside me—I was like a time bomb. You know what set me off? I got back from thatmovie and Billy said I looked weird. That was all, but I just snapped. And then I—I exploded. I almostripped his face off—my own father!" He shuddered, and his face paled.
Is it really bad, Jake?" I asked anxiously, wishing I had some way to help him. "Are you miserable?""No, I'm not miserable," he told me. "Not anymore. Not now that you know. That was hard, before." Heleaned over so that his cheek was resting on top of my head.
He was quiet for a moment, and I wondered what he was thinking about. Maybe I didn't want to know.
What's the hardest part?" I whispered, still wishing I could help.
The hardest part is feeling… out of control," he said slowly. "Feeling like I can't be sure of myself—likemaybe you shouldn't be around me, like maybe nobody should. Like I'm a monster who might hurtsomebody. You've seen Emily. Sam lost control of his temper for just one second… and she wasstanding too close. And now there's nothing he can ever do to put it right again. I hear his thoughts—Iknow what that feels like…"Who wants to be a nightmare, a monster
And then, the way it comes so easily to me, the way I'm better at it than the rest of them—does thatmake me even less human than Enbry or Sam? Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm losing myself.""Is it hard? To find yourself again?""At first," he said. "It takes some practice to phase back and forth. But it's easier tor me." "Why?" I wondered.
Because Ephraim Black was my father's grandfather, and Quil Ateara was my mother's grandfather.""Quil?" I asked in confusion.
His great-grandfather," Jacob clarified. "The Quil you know is my second cousin.""But why does it matter who your great-grandfathers are?""Because Ephraim and Quil were in the last pack. Levi Uley was the third. It's in my blood on both sides.
I never had a chance. Like Quil doesn't have a chance."His expression was bleak.
What's the very best part?" I asked, hoping to cheer him up.
The best part," he said, suddenly smiling again, "is the speed.""Better than the motorcycles?"He nodded, enthusiastic. "There's no comparison.""How fast can you… ?""Run?" he finished my question. "Fast enough. What can I measure it by? We caught… what was hisname? Laurent? I imagine that means more to you than it would to someone else."It did mean something to me. I couldn't imagine that—the wolves running faster than a vampire. When theCullens ran, they all but turned invisible with speed.
So, tell me something I don't know," he said. "Something about vampires. How did you stand it, beingaround them? Didn't it creep you out?""No," I said curtly.
My tone made him thoughtful for a moment.
Say, why'd your bloodsucker kill that James, anyway?" he asked suddenly.
James was trying to kill me—it was like a game for him. He lost. Do you remember last spring when Iwas in the hospital down in Phoenix?"Jacob sucked in a breath. "He got that close?""He got very, very close." I stroked my scar. Jacob noticed, because he held the hand I moved.
What's that?" He traded hands, examining my right. "This is your funny scar, the cold one." He looked atit closer, with new eyes, and gasped.
Yes, it's what you think it is," I said. "James bit me."His eyes bulged, and his face turned a strange, sallow color under the russet surface. He looked like hewas about to be sick.
But if he bit you… ? Shouldn't you be… ?" He choked.
Edward saved me twice," I whispered. "He sucked the venom out—you know, like with a rattlesnake."I twitched as the pain lashed around the edges of the hole.
But I wasn't the only one twitching. I could feel Jacob's whole body trembling next to mine. Even the carshook.
Careful, Jake. Easy. Ca in down.""Yeah," he panted. "Calm." He shook his head back and forth quickly. After a moment, only his handswere shaking.
You okay?""Yeah, almost. Tell me something else. Give me something else to think about.""What do you want to know?""I don't know." He had his eyes closed, concentrating. "The extra stuff I guess. Did any of the otherCullens have… extra talents? Like the mind reading?"I hesitated a second. This felt like a question he would ask of his spy, not his friend. But what was thepoint of hiding what I knew? It didn't matter now, and it would help him control himself.
So I spoke quickly, the image of Emily's ruined face in my mind, and the hair rising on my arms. I couldn'timagine how the russet wolf would fit inside the Rabbit—Jacob would tear the whole garage apart if hechanged now.
Jasper could… sort of control the emotions of the people around him. Not in a bad way, just to calmsomeone down, that kind of thing. It would probably help Paul a lot," I added, teasing weakly. "And thenAlice could see things that were going to happen. The future, you know, but not absolutely. The thingsshe saw would change when someone changed the path they were on…"Like how she'd seen me dying… and she'd seen me becoming one of them. Two things that had nothappened. And one that never would. My head started to spin—I couldn't seem to pull in enough oxygenfrom the air. No lungs.
Jacob was entirely in control now, very still beside me.
Why do you do that?" he asked. He tugged lightly at one of my arms, which was bound around mychest, and then gave up when it wouldn't come loose easily. I hadn't even realized I'd moved them. "Youdo that when you're upset. Why?""It hurts to think about them," I whispered. "It's like I can't breathe… like I'm breaking into pieces…"Itwas bizarre how much I could tell Jacob now. We had no more secrets.
He smoothed my hair. "It's okay, Bella, it's okay. I won't bring it up again. I'm sorry.""I'm fine." I gasped. "Happens all the time. Not your fault.""We're a pretty messed-up pair, aren't we?" Jacob said. "Neither one of us can hold our shape togetherright.""Pathetic," I agreed, still breathless.
At least we have each other," he said, clearly comforted by the thought.
I was comforted, too. "At least there's that," I agreed.
And when we were together, it was fine. But Jacob had a horrible, dangerous job he felt compelled todo, and so I was often alone, stuck in La Push for safety, with nothing to do to keep my mind off any ofmy worries.
I felt awkward, always taking up space at Billy's. I did some studying for another Calculus test that wascoming up next week, but I could only look at math for so long. When I didn't have something obvious todo in my hands,I felt like I ought to be making conversation with Billy—the pressure of normal societal rules. But Billywasn't one for filling up the long silences, and so the awkwardness continued.
I tried hanging out at Emily's place Wednesday afternoon, for a change. At first it was kind of nice. Emilywas a cheerful person who never sat still. I drifted behind her while she flitted around her little house andyard, scrubbing at the spotless floor, pulling a tiny weed, fixing a broken hinge, tugging a string of woolthrough an ancient loom, and always cooking, too. She complained lightly about the increase in the boys
appetites from all their extra running, but it was easy to see she didn't mind taking care of them. It wasn'thard to be with her—after all, we were both wolf girls now.
But Sam checked in after I'd been there for a few hours. I only stayed long enough to ascertain thatJacob was fine and there was no news, and then I had to escape. The aura of love and contentment thatsurrounded them was harder to take in concentrated doses, with no one else around to dilute it.
So that left me wandering the beach, pacing the length of the rocky crescent back and forth, again andagain.
Alone time wasn't good for me. Thanks to the new honesty with Jacob, I'd been talking and thinkingabout the Cullens way too much. No matter how I tried to distract myself—and I had plenty to think of: Iwas honestly and desperately worried about Jacob and his wolf-brothers, I was terrified for Charlie andthe others who thought they were hunting animals, I was getting in deeper and deeper with Jacob withoutever having consciously decided to progress in that direction and I didn't know what to do aboutit—none of these very real, very deserving of thought, very pressing concerns could take my mind off thepain in my chest for long. Eventually, I couldn't even walk anymore, because I couldn't breathe. I satdown on a patch of semidry rocks and curled up in a ball.
Jacob found me like that, and I could tell from his expression that he understood.
Sorry," he said right away. He pulled me up from the ground and wrapped both arms around myshoulders. I hadn't realized that I was cold until then. His warmth made me shudder, but at least I couldbreathe with him there.
I'm ruining your spring break," Jacob accused himself as we walked back up the beach.
No, you're not. I didn't have any plans. I don't think I like spring breaks, anyway.""I'll take tomorrow morning off. The others can run without me. We'll do something fun."The word seemed out of place in my life right now, barely comprehensible, bizarre. "Fun?""Fun is exactly what you need. Hmm…" he gazed out across the heaving gray waves, deliberating. As hiseyes scanned the horizon, he had a flash of inspiration.
Got it!" he crowed. "Another promise to keep." "What are you talking about?"He let go of my hand and pointed toward the southern edge of the beach, where the flat, rockyhalf-moon dead-ended against the sheer sea cliffs. I stared, uncomprehending.
Didn't I promise to take you cliff diving?"I shivered.
Yeah, it'll be pretty cold—not as cold as it is today. Can you feel the weather changing? The pressure
It will be warmer tomorrow. You up for it?"The dark water did not look inviting, and, from this angle, the cliffs looked even higher than before.
But it had been days since I'd heard Edward's voice. That was probably part of the problem. I wasaddicted to the sound of my delusions. It made things worse if I went too long without them. Jumping offa cliff was certain to remedy that situation.
Sure, I'm up for it. Fun.""It's a date," he said, and draped his arm around my shoulders.
Okay—now let's go get you some sleep." I didn't like the way the circles under his eyes were beginningto look permanently etched onto his skin.
I woke early the next morning and snuck a change of clothes out to the truck. I had a feeling that Charliewould approve of today's plan just about as much as he would approve of the motorcycle.
The idea of a distraction from all my worries had me almost excited. Maybe it would be fun. A date withJacob, a date with Edward… I laughed darkly to myself. Jake could say what he wanted about us beinga messed-up pair—I was the one who was truly messed up. I made the werewolf seem downrightnormal.
I expected Jacob to meet me out front, the way he usually did when my noisy truck announced myarrival. When he didn't, I guessed that he might still be sleeping. I would wait—let him get as much rest ashe could. He needed his sleep, and that would give the day time to warm a bit more. Jake had been rightabout the weather, though; it had changed in the night. A thick layer of clouds pressed heavily on theatmosphere now, making it almost sultry; it was warm and close under the gray blanket. I left my sweaterin the truck.
I knocked quietly on the door.
C'mon in, Bella," Billy said.
He was at the kitchen table, eating cold cereal.
Jake sleeping?""Er, no." He set his spoon down, and his eyebrows pulled together.
What happened?" I demanded. I could tell from his expression that something had.
Embry, Jared, and Paul crossed a fresh trail early this morning. Sam and Jake took off to help. Sam washopeful—she's hedged herself in beside the mountains. He thinks they have a good chance to finish this." "Oh, no, Billy," I whispered. "Oh, no."He chuckled, deep and low. "Do you really like La Push so well that you want to extend your sentencehere?""Don't make jokes, Billy. This is too scary for that.""You're right," he agreed, still complacent. His ancient eyes were impossible to read. "This one's tricky."I bit my lip.
It's not as dangerous for them as you think it is. Sam knows what he's doing. You're the one that youshould worry about. The vampire doesn't want to fight them. She's just trying to find a way aroundthem… to you.""How does Sam know what he's doing?" I demanded, brushing aside his concern for me. "They've onlykilled just the one vampire—that could have been luck.""We take what we do very seriously, Bella. Nothing's been forgotten. Everything they need to know hasbeen passed down from father to son for generations."That didn't comfort me the way he probably intended it to. The memory of Victoria, wild, catlike, lethal,was too strong in my head. If she couldn't get around the wolves, she would eventually try to go throughthem.
Billy went back to his breakfast; I sat down on the sofa and flipped aimlessly though the TV channels.
That didn't last long. I started to feel closed in by the small room, claustrophobic, upset by the fact that Icouldn't see out the curtained windows.
I'll be at the beach," I told Billy abruptly, and hurried out the door.
Being outside didn't help as much as I'd hoped. The clouds pushed down with an invisible weight thatkept the claustrophobia from easing. The forest seemed strangely vacant as I walked toward the beach. Ididn't see any animals—no birds, no squirrels. I couldn't hear any birds, either. The silence was eerie;there wasn't even the sound of wind in the trees.
I knew it was all just a product of the weather, but it still made me edgy. The heavy, warm pressure ofthe atmosphere was perceptible even to my weak human senses, and it hinted at something major in thestorm department. A glance at the sky backed this up; the clouds were churning sluggishly despite thelack of breeze on the ground. The closest clouds were a smoky gray, but between the cracks I could seeanother layer that was a gruesome purple color. The skies had a ferocious plan in store for today. Theanimals must be bunkering down.
As soon as I reached the beach, I wished I hadn't come—I'd already had enough of this place. I'd beenhere almost every day, wandering alone. Was it so much different from my nightmares? But where else togo? I trudged down to the driftwood tree, and sat at the end so that I could lean against the tangledroots. I stared up at the angry sky broodingly, waiting for the first drops to break the stillness.
I tried not to think about the danger Jacob and his friends were in. Because nothing could happen toJacob. The thought was unendurable. I'd lost too much already—would fate take the last few shreds ofpeace left behind? That seemed unfair, out of balance. But maybe I'd violated some unknown rule,crossed some line that had condemned me. Maybe it was wrong to be so involved with myths andlegends, to turn my back on the human world. Maybe… No. Nothing would happen to Jacob. I had to believe that or I wouldn't be able to function.
Argh!" I groaned, and jumped off the log. I couldn't sit still; it was worse than pacing.
I'd really been counting on hearing Edward this morning. It seemed like that was the one thing that mightmake it bearable to live through this day. The hole had been festering lately, like it was getting revenge forthe times that Jacob's presence had tamed it. The edges burned.
The waves picked up as I paced, beginning to crash against the rocks, but there was still no wind. I feltpinned down by the pressure of the storm. Everything swirled around me, but it was perfectly still where Istood. The air had a faint electric charge—I could feel the static in my hair.
Farther out, the waves were angrier than they were along the shore. I could see them battering against theline of the cliffs, spraying big white clouds of sea foam into the sky. There was still no movement in theair, though the clouds roiled more quickly now. It was eerie looking—like the clouds were moving bytheir own will. I shivered, though I knew it was just a trick of the pressure.
The cliffs were a black knife edge against the livid sky. Staring at them, I remembered the day Jacob hadtold me about Sam and his "gang." I thought of the boys—the werewolves—throwing themselves into theempty air. The image of the falling, spiraling figures was still vivid in my mind. I imagined the utter freedomof the fall… I imagined the way Edward's voice would have sounded in my head—furious, velvet,perfect… The burning in my chest flared agonizingly.
There had to be some way to quench it. The pain was growing more and more intolerable by the second.
I glared at the cliffs and the crashing waves.
Well, why not? Why not quench it right now
Jacob had promised me cliff diving, hadn't he? Just because he was unavailable, should I have to give upthe distraction I needed so badly—needed even worse because Jacob was out risking his life? Risking it,in essence, for me. If it weren't for me, Victoria would not be killing people here… just somewhere else,far away. If anything happened to Jacob, it would be my fault. That realization stabbed deep and had mejogging back up to the road toward Billy's house, where my truck waited.
I knew my way to the lane that passed closest to the cliffs, but I had to hunt for the little path that wouldtake me out to the ledge. As I followed it, I looked for turns or forks, knowing that Jake had planned totake me off the lower outcropping rather than the top, but the path wound in a thin single line toward thebrink with no options. I didn't have time to find another way down—the storm was moving in quicklynow. The wind was finally beginning to touch me, the clouds pressing closer to the ground. Just as Ireached the place where the dirt path fanned out into the stone precipice, the first drops broke throughand splattered on my face.
It was not hard to convince myself that I didn't have time to search for another way—I wanted to jumpfrom the top. This was the image that had lingered in my head. I wanted the long fall that would feel likeflying.
I knew that this was the stupidest, most reckless thing I had done yet. The thought made me smile. Thepain was already easing, as if my body knew that Edward's voice was just seconds away…The ocean sounded very far away, somehow farther than before, when I was on the path in the trees. Igrimaced when I thought of the probable temperature of the water. But I wasn't going to let that stop me.
The wind blew stronger now, whipping the rain into eddies around me.
I stepped out to the edge, keeping my eyes on the empty space in front of me. My toes felt ahead blindly,caressing the edge of the rock when they encountered it. I drew in a deep breath and held it . . waiting.
Bella."I smiled and exhaled.
Yes? I didn't answer out loud, for fear that the sound of my voice would shatter the beautiful illusion. Hesounded so real, so close. It was only when lie was disapproving like this that I could hear the truememory of his voice—the velvet texture and the musical intonation that made up the most perfect of allvoices.
Don't do this," he pleaded.
You wanted me to be human, I reminded him. Well, watch me.
Please. For me."But you won't stay with me any other way.
Please." It was just a whisper in the blowing rain that tossed my hair and drenched my clothes—makingme as wet as if this were my second jump of the day.
I rolled up onto the balls of my feet.
No, Bella!" He was angry now, and the anger was so lovely.
I smiled and raised my arms straight out, as if I were going to dive, lifting my face into the rain. But it wastoo ingrained from years of swimming at the public pool—feet first, first time. I leaned forward, crouchingto get more spring…And I flung myself off the cliff.
I screamed as I dropped through the open air like a meteor, but it was a scream of exhilaration and notfear. The wind resisted, trying vainly to fight the unconquerable gravity, pushing against me and twirlingme in spirals like a rocket crashing to the earth.
Yes! The word echoed through my head as I sliced through the surface of the water. It was icy, colderthan I'd feared, and yet the chill only added to the high.
I was proud of myself as I plunged deeper into the freezing black water. I hadn't had one moment ofterror—just pure adrenaline. Really, the fall wasn't scary at all. Where was the challenge
That was when the current caught me.
I'd been so preoccupied by the size of the cliffs, by the obvious danger of their high, sheer faces, that Ihadn't worried at all about the dark water waiting. I never dreamed that the true menace was lurking farbelow me, under the heaving surf.
It felt like the waves were fighting over me, jerking me back and forth between them as if determined toshare by pulling me into halves. I knew the right way to avoid a riptide: swim parallel to the beach ratherthan struggling for the shore. But the knowledge did me little good when I didn't know which way theshore was.
I couldn't even tell which way the surface was.
The angry water was black in every direction; there was no brightness to direct me upward. Gravity wasall-powerful when it competed with the air, but it had nothing on the waves—I couldn't feel a downwardpull, a sinking in any direction. Just the battering of the current that flung me round and round like a ragdoll.
I fought to keep my breath in, to keep my lips locked around my last store of oxygen.
It didn't surprise me that my delusion of Edward was there. He owed me that much, considering that Iwas dying. I was surprised by how sure that knowledge was. I was going to drown. I was drowning.
Keep swimming!" Edward begged urgently in my head.
Where? There was nothing but the darkness. There was no place to swim to.
Stop that!" he ordered. "Don't you dare give up!"The cold of the water was numbing my arms and legs. I didn't feel the buffeting so much as before. It wasmore of just a dizziness now, a helpless spinning in the water.
But I listened to him. I forced my arms to continue reaching, my legs to kick harder, though every secondI was facing a new direction. It couldn't be doing any good. What was the point
Fight!" he yelled. "Damn it, Bella, keep fighting."Why
I didn't want to fight anymore. And it wasn't the light-headedness, or the cold, or the failure of my armsas the muscles gave out in exhaustion, that made me content to stay where I was. I was almost happythat it was over. This was an easier death than others I'd faced. Oddly peaceful.
I thought briefly of the clichés, about how you were suppose to see your life flash before your eyes. I wasso much luckier. Who wanted to see a rerun, anyway
I saw him, and I had no will to fight. It was so clear, so much more defined than any memory. Mysubconscious had stored Edward away in flawless detail, saving him for this final moment. I could see hisperfect face as if he were really there; the exact shade of his icy skin, the shape of his lips, the line of hisjaw, the gold glinting in his furious eyes. He was angry, naturally, that I was giving up. His teeth wereclenched and his nostrils flared with rage.
No! Bella, no!"My ears were flooded with the freezing water, but his voice was clearer than ever. I ignored his wordsand concentrated on the sound of his voice. Why would I fight when I was so happy where I was? Evenas my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I was content. I'd forgotten whatreal happiness felt like.
Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.
The current won at that moment, shoving me abruptly against something hard, a rock invisible in thegloom. It hit me solidly across the chest, slamming into me like an iron bar, and the breath whooshed outof my lungs, escaping in a thick cloud of silver bubbles. Water flooded down my throat, choking andburning. The iron bar seemed to be dragging me, pulling me away from Edward, deeper into the dark, tothe ocean floor.
Goodbye, I love you, was my last thought.