THERE is, after Herodotus, little interest by the Western world towards the desert for hundreds of years. From425 B.C. to the beginning of the twentieth century there is an averting of eyes. Silence. The nineteenth centurywas an age of river seekers. And then in the 19205 there is a sweet postscript history on this pocket of earth,made mostly by privately funded expeditions and followed by modest lectures given at the Geographical Societyin London at Kensington Gore. These lectures are given by sunburned, exhausted men who, like Conrad’ssailors, are not too comfortable with the eti.quette of taxis, the quick, flat wit of bus conductors.
When they travel by local trains from the suburbs towards Knightsbridge on their way to Society meetings, theyare often lost, tickets misplaced, clinging only to their old maps and carrying their lecture notes—which wereslowly and painfully written—in their ever present knapsacks which will always be a part of their bodies. Thesemen of all nations travel at that early evening hour, six o’clock, when there is the light of the solitary. It is ananonymous time, most of the city is going home. The explorers arrive too early at Kensington Gore, eat at theLyons Corner House and then enter the Geographical Society, where they sit in the upstairs hall next to the largeMaori canoe, going over their notes. At eight o’clock the talks begin.
Every other week there is a lecture. Someone will introduce the talk and someone will give thanks. Theconcluding speaker usually argues or tests the lecture for hard currency, is perti.nently critical but neverimpertinent. The main speakers, everyone assumes, stay close to the facts, and even obsessive assumptions arepresented modestly.
My journey through the Libyan Desert from Sokum on the Mediterranean to El Obeid in the Sudan was madeover one of the few tracks of the earth’s surface which present a number and variety of interesting geographicalproblems....
The years of preparation and research and fund-raising are never mentioned in these oak rooms. The previousweek’s lecturer recorded the loss of thirty people in ice in Antarctica. Similar losses in extreme heat orwindstorm are announced with minimal eulogy. All human and financial behaviour lies on the far side of theissue being discussed—which is the earth’s surface and its “interesting geographical problems.”
Can other depressions in this region, besides the much-discussed Wadi Rayan, be considered possible ofutilization in connection with irrigation or drainage of the Nile Delta? Are the artesian water supplies of theoases gradually diminishing? Where shall we look for the mysterious “Zerzura”? Are there any other “lost” oasesremaining to be discovered? Where are the tortoise marshes of Ptolemy?
John Bell, director of Desert Surveys in Egypt, asked these questions in 1927. By the 19305 the papers greweven more modest. “/ should like to add a few remarks on some of the points raised in the interesting discussionon the ‘Prehistoric Geography of Kharga Oasis.’ “ By the mid-19305 the lost oasis of Zerzura was found byLadislaus de Almasy and his companions.
In 1939 the great decade of Libyan Desert expeditions came to an end, and this vast and silent pocket of the earthbecame one of the theatres of war.
In the arboured bedroom the burned patient views great dis.tances. The way that dead knight in Ravenna, whosemarble body seems alive, almost liquid, has his head raised upon a stone pillow, so it can gaze beyond his feetinto vista. Farther than the desired rain of Africa. Towards all their lives in Cairo. Their works and days.
Hana sits by his bed, and she travels like a squire beside him during these journeys.
In 1930 we had begun mapping the greater part of the Gilf Kebir Plateau, looking for the lost oasis that wascalled Zer.zura. The City of Acacias.
We were desert Europeans. John Bell had sighted the Gilf in 1917. Then Kemal el Din. Then Bagnold, whofound his way south into the Sand Sea. Madox, Walpole of Desert Sur.veys, His Excellency Wasfi Bey,Casparius the photographer, Dr. Kadar the geologist and Bermann. And the Gilf Kebir— that large plateauresting in the Libyan Desert, the size of Switzerland, as Madox liked to say—was our heart, its escarp.mentsprecipitous to the east and west, the plateau sloping gradually to the north. It rose out of the desert four hundredmiles west of the Nile.
For the early Egyptians there was supposedly no water west of the oasis towns. The world ended out there. Theinterior was waterless. But in the emptiness of deserts you are always surrounded by lost history. Tebu andSenussi tribes had roamed there possessing wells that they guarded with great secrecy. There were rumours offertile lands that nestled within the desert’s interior. Arab writers in the thirteenth century spoke of Zerzura. “TheOasis of Little Birds.” “The City of Acacias.” In The Book of Hidden Treasures, the Kitab al Kanuz, Zerzura isdepicted as a white city, “white as a dove.”
Look at a map of the Libyan Desert and you will see names. Kemal el Din in 1925, who, almost solitary, carriedout the first great modern expedition. Bagnold 1930-1932. Almasy-Madox 1931-1937. Just north of the Tropicof Cancer.
We were a small clutch of a nation between the wars, map.ping and re-exploring. We gathered at Dakhla andKufra as if they were bars or cafes. An oasis society, Bagnold called it. We knew each other’s intimacies, eachother’s skills and weaknesses. We forgave Bagnold everything for the way he wrote about dunes. “The groovesand the corrugated sand resem.ble the hollow of the roof of a dog’s mouth.” That was the real Bagnold, a manwho would put his inquiring hand into the jaws of a dog.
1930. Our first journey, moving south from Jaghbub into the desert among the preserve of Zwaya and Majabra’stribes. A seven-day journey to El Taj. Madox and Bermann, four others. Some camels a horse and a dog. As weleft they told us the old joke. “To start a journey in a sandstorm is good luck.”
We camped the first night twenty miles south. The next morning we woke and came out of our tents at five. Toocold to sleep. We stepped towards the fires and sat in their light in the larger darkness. Above us were the laststars. There would be no sunrise for another two hours. We passed around hot glasses of tea. The camels werebeing fed, half asleep, chewing the dates along with the date stones. We ate breakfast and then drank three moreglasses of tea.
Hours later we were in the sandstorm that hit us out of clear morning, coming from nowhere. The breeze that hadbeen refreshing had gradually strengthened. Eventually we looked down, and the surface of the desert waschanged. Pass me the book... here. This is Hassanein Bey’s wonderful account of such storms—“It is as though the surface were underlaid with steam-pipes, with thousands of orifices through which tiny jets ofsteam are puffing out. The sand leaps in little spurts and whirls. Inch by inch the disturbance rises as the windincreases its force. It seems as though the whole surface of the desert were rising in obedience to someupthrusting force beneath. Larger pebbles strike against the shins, the knees, the thighs. The sand-grains climbthe body till it strikes the face and goes over the head. The sky is shut out, all but the nearest objects fade fromview, the universe is filled.”
We had to keep moving. If you pause sand builds up as it would around anything stationary, and locks you in.
You are lost forever. A sandstorm can last five hours. Even when we were in trucks in later years we would haveto keep driving with no vision. The worst terrors came at night. Once, north of Kufra, we were hit by a storm inthe darkness. Three a.m. The gale swept the tents from their moorings and we rolled with them, taking in sandlike a sinking boat takes in water, weighed down, suffocating, till we were cut free by a camel driver.
We travelled through three storms during nine days. We missed small desert towns where we expected to locatemore supplies. The horse vanished. Three of the camels died. For the last two days there was no food, only tea.
The last link with any other world was the clink of the fire-black tea urn and the long spoon and the glass whichcame towards us in the darkness of the mornings. After the third night we gave up talking. All that mattered wasthe fire and the minimal brown liquid.
Only by luck did we stumble on the desert town of El Taj. I walked through the souk, the alley of clockschiming, into the street of barometers, past the rifle-cartridge stalls, stands of Italian tomato sauce and othertinned food from Benghazi, calico from Egypt, ostrich-tail decorations, street dentists, book merchants. We werestill mute, each of us dispersing along our own paths. We received this new world slowly, as if coming out of adrowning. In the central square of El Taj we sat and ate lamb, rice, badawi cakes, and drank milk with almondpulp beaten into it. All this after the long wait for three ceremonial glasses of tea flavoured with amber and mint.
Sometime in 1931 I joined a Bedouin caravan and was told there was another one of us there. Fenelon-Barnes, itturned out. I went to his tent. He was out for the day on some small expedition, cataloguing fossil trees. I lookedaround his tent, the sheaf of maps, the photos he always carried of his family, et cetera. As I was leaving I saw amirror tacked up high against the skin wall, and looking at it I saw the reflection of the bed. There seemed to be asmall lump, a dog possibly, under the covers. I pulled back the djellaba and there was a small Arab girl tied up,sleeping there.
By 1932, Bagnold was finished and Madox and the rest of us were everywhere. Looking for the lost army ofCambyses. Looking for Zerzura. 1932 and 1933 and 1934. Not seeing each other for months. Just the Bedouinand us, crisscrossing the Forty Days Road. There were rivers of desert tribes, the most beautiful humans I’ve metin my life. We were German, English, Hungarian, African—all of us insignificant to them. Gradually we becamenationless. I came to hate nations. We are deformed by nation-states. Madox died because of nations.
The desert could not be claimed or owned—it was a piece of cloth carried by winds, never held down by stones,and given a hundred shifting names long before Canterbury existed, long before battles and treaties quiltedEurope and the East. Its caravans, those strange rambling feasts and cultures, left nothing behind, not an ember.
All of us, even those with European homes and children in the distance, wished to re.move the clothing of ourcountries. It was a place of faith. We disappeared into landscape. Fire and sand. We left the har.bours of oasis.
The places water came to and touched... Ain, Bir, Wadi, Foggara, Khottara, Shaduf. I didn’t want my nameagainst such beautiful names. Erase the family name! Erase nations! I was taught such things by the desert.
Still, some wanted their mark there. On that dry water.course, on this shingled knoll. Small vanities in this plotof land northwest of the Sudan, south of Cyrenaica. Fenelon-Barnes wanted the fossil trees he discovered to bearhis name. He even wanted a tribe to take his name, and spent a year on the negotiations. Then Bauchan outdidhim, having a type of sand dune named after him. But I wanted to erase my name and the place I had come from.
By the time war arrived, after ten years in the desert, it was easy for me to slip across bor.ders, not to belong toanyone, to any nation.
1933 or 1934. I forget the year. Madox, Casparius, Ber-mann, myself, two Sudanese drivers and a cook. By nowwe travel in A-type Ford cars with box bodies and are using for the first time large balloon tires known as airwheels. They ride better on sand, but the gamble is whether they will stand up to stone fields and splinter rocks.
We leave Kharga on March 22. Bermann and I have theo.rized that three wadis written about by Williamson in1838 make up Zerzura.
Southwest of the Gilf Kebir are three isolated granite mas.sifs rising out of the plain—Gebel Arkanu, GebelUweinat, and Gebel Kissu. The three are fifteen miles apart from each other. Good water in several of theravines, though the wells at Gebel Arkanu are bitter, not drinkable except in an emer.gency. Williamson saidthree wadis formed Zerzura, but he never located them and this is considered fable. Yet even one rain oasis inthese crater-shaped hills would solve the riddle of how Cambyses and his army could attempt to cross such adesert, of the Senussi raids during the Great War, when the black giant raiders crossed a desert which supposedlyhas no water or pasture. This was a world that had been civilised for centuries, had a thousand paths and roads.
We find jars at Abu Ballas with the classic Greek amphora shape. Herodotus speaks of such jars.
Bermann and I talk to a snakelike mysterious old man in the fortress of El Jof—in the stone hall that once hadbeen the library of the great Senussi sheik. An old Tebu, a caravan guide by profession, speaking accentedArabic. Later Bermann says “like the screeching of bats,” quoting Herodotus. We talk to him all day, all night,and he gives nothing away. The Senussi creed, their foremost doctrine, is still not to reveal the secrets of thedesert to strangers.
At Wadi el Melik we see birds of an unknown species.
On May 5, I climb a stone cliff and approach the Uweinat plateau from a new direction. I find myself in a broadwadi full of acacia trees.
There was a time when mapmakers named the places they travelled through with the names of lovers rather thantheir own. Someone seen bathing in a desert caravan, holding up muslin with one arm in front of her. Some oldArab poet’s woman, whose white-dove shoulders made him describe an oasis with her name. The skin bucketspreads water over her, she wraps herself in the cloth, and the old scribe turns from her to describe Zerzura.
So a man in the desert can slip into a name as if within a discovered well, and in its shadowed coolness betempted never to leave such containment. My great desire was to remain there, among those acacias. I waswalking not in a place where no one had walked before but in a place where there were sudden, brief populationsover the centuries—a fourteenth-century army, a Tebu caravan, the Senussi raiders of 1915. And in betweenthese times—nothing was there. When no rain fell the acacias withered, the wadis dried out... until watersuddenly reappeared fifty or a hundred years later. Spo.radic appearances and disappearances, like legends andru.mours through history.
In the desert the most loved waters, like a lover’s name, are carried blue in your hands, enter your throat. Oneswallows absence. A woman in Cairo curves the white length of her body up from the bed and leans out of thewindow into a rainstorm to allow her nakedness to receive it.
Hana leans forward, sensing his drifting, watching him, not saying a word. Who is she, this woman?
The ends of the earth are never the points on a map that colonists push against, enlarging their sphere ofinfluence. On one side servants and slaves and tides of power and correspon.dence with the GeographicalSociety. On the other the first step by a white man across a great river, the first sight (by a white eye) of amountain that has been there forever.
When we are young we do not look into mirrors. It is when we are old, concerned with our name, our legend,what our lives will mean to the future. We become vain with the names we own, our claims to have been the firsteyes, the strongest army, the cleverest merchant. It is when he is old that Nar.cissus wants a graven image ofhimself.
But we were interested in how our lives could mean some.thing to the past. We sailed into the past. We wereyoung. We knew power and great finance were temporary things. We all slept with Herodotus. “For those citiesthat were great in earlier times must have now become small, and those that were great in my time were small inthe time before.... Man’s good fortune never abides in the same place.”
In 1936 a young man named Geoffrey Clifton had met a friend at Oxford who mentioned what we were doing.
He contacted me, got married the next day, and two weeks later flew with his wife to Cairo.
The couple entered our world—the four of us, Prince Kemal el Din, Bell, Almasy and Madox. The name that stillfilled our mouths was Gilf Kebir. Somewhere in the Gilf nes.tled Zerzura, whose name occurs in Arab writingsas far back as the thirteenth century. When you travel that far in time you need a plane, and young Clifton wasrich and he could fly and he had a plane.
Clifton met us in El Jof, north of Uweinat. He sat in his two-seater plane and we walked towards him from thebase camp. He stood up in the cockpit and poured a drink out of his flask. His new wife sat beside him.
“I name this site the Bir Messaha Country Club,” he an.nounced.
I watched the friendly uncertainty scattered across his wife’s face, her lionlike hair when she pulled off theleather helmet.
They were youth, felt like our children. They climbed out of the plane and shook hands with us.
That was 1936, the beginning of our story....
They jumped off the wing of the Moth. Clifton walked towards us holding out the flask, and we all sipped thewarm alcohol. He was one for ceremonies. He had named his plane Rupert Bear. I don’t think he loved thedesert, but he had an affection for it that grew out of awe at our stark order, into which he wanted to fit himself—like a joyous undergraduate who respects silent behaviour in a library. We had not ex.pected him to bring hiswife, but we were I suppose courteous about it. She stood there while the sand collected in her mane of hair.
What were we to this young couple? Some of us had written books about dune formation, the disappearance andreappear.ance of oases, the lost culture of deserts. We seemed to be interested only in things that could not bebought or sold, of no interest to the outside world. We argued about latitudes, or about an event that hadhappened seven hundred years earlier. The theorems of exploration. That Abd el Melik Ibra-him el Zwaya wholived in Zuck oasis pasturing camels was the first man among those tribes who could understand the concept ofphotographs.
The Cliftons were on the last days of their honeymoon. I left them with the others and went to join a man inKufra and spent many days with him, trying out theories I had kept secret from the rest of the expedition. Ireturned to the base camp at El Jof three nights later.
The desert fire was between us. The Cliftons, Madox, Bell and myself. If a man leaned back a few inches hewould dis.appear into darkness. Katharine Clifton began to recite some.thing, and my head was no longer in thehalo of the camp’s twig fire.
There was classical blood in her face. Her parents were famous, apparently, in the world of legal history. I am aman who did not enjoy poetry until I heard a woman recite it to us.
And in that desert she dragged her university days into our midst to describe the stars—the way Adam tenderlytaught a woman with gracious metaphors.
These then, though unbeheld in deep of night,Shine not in vain, nor think, though men were none,That Heav’n would want spectators, God want praise;Millions of spiritual Creatures walk the EarthUnseen, both when we -wake, and when we sleep:
All these with ceaseless praise his works beholdBoth day and night: how often from the steepOf echoing Hill or Thicket have we heardCelestial voices to the midnight air,Sole, or responsive each to other’s noteSinging their great Creator...
That night I fell in love with a voice. Only a voice. I wanted to hear nothing more. I got up and walked away.
She was a willow. What would she be like in winter, at my age? I see her still, always, with the eye of Adam.
She had been these awkward limbs climbing out of a plane, bending down in our midst to prod at a fire, herelbow up and pointed towards me as she drank from a canteen.
A few months later, she waltzed with me, as we danced as a group in Cairo. Though slightly drunk she wore anuncon.querable face. Even now the face I believe that most revealed her was the one she had that time when wewere both half drunk, not lovers.
All these years I have been trying to unearth what she was handing me with that look. It seemed to be contempt.
So it appeared to me. Now I think she was studying me. She was an innocent, surprised at something in me. Iwas behaving the way I usually behave in bars, but this time with the wrong company. I am a man who kept thecodes of my behaviour separate. I was forgetting she was younger than I.
She was studying me. Such a simple thing. And I was watch.ing for one wrong move in her statue-like gaze,something that would give her away.
Give me a map and I’ll build you a city. Give me a pencil and I will draw you a room in South Cairo, desertcharts on the wall. Always the desert was among us. I could wake and raise my eyes to the map of oldsettlements along the Mediter.ranean coast—Gazala, Tobruk, Mersa Matruh—and south of that the hand-painted wadis, and surrounding those the shades of yellowness that we invaded, tried to lose ourselves in. “Mytask is to describe briefly the several expeditions which have attacked the Gilf Kebir. Dr. Bermann will later takeus back to the desert as it existed thousands of years ago...”
That is the way Madox spoke to other geographers at Ken.sington Gore. But you do not find adultery in theminutes of the Geographical Society. Our room never appears in the de.tailed reports which chartered everyknoll and every incident of history.
In the street of imported parrots in Cairo one is hectored by almost articulate birds. The birds bark and whistle inrows, like a plumed avenue. I knew which tribe had travelled which silk or camel road carrying them in theirpetite palanquins across the deserts. Forty-day journeys, after the birds were caught by slaves or picked likeflowers in equatorial gardens and then placed in bamboo cages to enter the river that is trade. They appeared likebrides in a mediaeval courtship.
We stood among them. I was showing her a city that was new to her.
Her hand touched me at the wrist.
“If I gave you my life, you would drop it. Wouldn’t you?”
I didn’t say anything.
When they travel by local trains from the suburbs towards Knightsbridge on their way to Society meetings, theyare often lost, tickets misplaced, clinging only to their old maps and carrying their lecture notes—which wereslowly and painfully written—in their ever present knapsacks which will always be a part of their bodies. Thesemen of all nations travel at that early evening hour, six o’clock, when there is the light of the solitary. It is ananonymous time, most of the city is going home. The explorers arrive too early at Kensington Gore, eat at theLyons Corner House and then enter the Geographical Society, where they sit in the upstairs hall next to the largeMaori canoe, going over their notes. At eight o’clock the talks begin.
Every other week there is a lecture. Someone will introduce the talk and someone will give thanks. Theconcluding speaker usually argues or tests the lecture for hard currency, is perti.nently critical but neverimpertinent. The main speakers, everyone assumes, stay close to the facts, and even obsessive assumptions arepresented modestly.
My journey through the Libyan Desert from Sokum on the Mediterranean to El Obeid in the Sudan was madeover one of the few tracks of the earth’s surface which present a number and variety of interesting geographicalproblems....
The years of preparation and research and fund-raising are never mentioned in these oak rooms. The previousweek’s lecturer recorded the loss of thirty people in ice in Antarctica. Similar losses in extreme heat orwindstorm are announced with minimal eulogy. All human and financial behaviour lies on the far side of theissue being discussed—which is the earth’s surface and its “interesting geographical problems.”
Can other depressions in this region, besides the much-discussed Wadi Rayan, be considered possible ofutilization in connection with irrigation or drainage of the Nile Delta? Are the artesian water supplies of theoases gradually diminishing? Where shall we look for the mysterious “Zerzura”? Are there any other “lost” oasesremaining to be discovered? Where are the tortoise marshes of Ptolemy?
John Bell, director of Desert Surveys in Egypt, asked these questions in 1927. By the 19305 the papers greweven more modest. “/ should like to add a few remarks on some of the points raised in the interesting discussionon the ‘Prehistoric Geography of Kharga Oasis.’ “ By the mid-19305 the lost oasis of Zerzura was found byLadislaus de Almasy and his companions.
In 1939 the great decade of Libyan Desert expeditions came to an end, and this vast and silent pocket of the earthbecame one of the theatres of war.
In the arboured bedroom the burned patient views great dis.tances. The way that dead knight in Ravenna, whosemarble body seems alive, almost liquid, has his head raised upon a stone pillow, so it can gaze beyond his feetinto vista. Farther than the desired rain of Africa. Towards all their lives in Cairo. Their works and days.
Hana sits by his bed, and she travels like a squire beside him during these journeys.
In 1930 we had begun mapping the greater part of the Gilf Kebir Plateau, looking for the lost oasis that wascalled Zer.zura. The City of Acacias.
We were desert Europeans. John Bell had sighted the Gilf in 1917. Then Kemal el Din. Then Bagnold, whofound his way south into the Sand Sea. Madox, Walpole of Desert Sur.veys, His Excellency Wasfi Bey,Casparius the photographer, Dr. Kadar the geologist and Bermann. And the Gilf Kebir— that large plateauresting in the Libyan Desert, the size of Switzerland, as Madox liked to say—was our heart, its escarp.mentsprecipitous to the east and west, the plateau sloping gradually to the north. It rose out of the desert four hundredmiles west of the Nile.
For the early Egyptians there was supposedly no water west of the oasis towns. The world ended out there. Theinterior was waterless. But in the emptiness of deserts you are always surrounded by lost history. Tebu andSenussi tribes had roamed there possessing wells that they guarded with great secrecy. There were rumours offertile lands that nestled within the desert’s interior. Arab writers in the thirteenth century spoke of Zerzura. “TheOasis of Little Birds.” “The City of Acacias.” In The Book of Hidden Treasures, the Kitab al Kanuz, Zerzura isdepicted as a white city, “white as a dove.”
Look at a map of the Libyan Desert and you will see names. Kemal el Din in 1925, who, almost solitary, carriedout the first great modern expedition. Bagnold 1930-1932. Almasy-Madox 1931-1937. Just north of the Tropicof Cancer.
We were a small clutch of a nation between the wars, map.ping and re-exploring. We gathered at Dakhla andKufra as if they were bars or cafes. An oasis society, Bagnold called it. We knew each other’s intimacies, eachother’s skills and weaknesses. We forgave Bagnold everything for the way he wrote about dunes. “The groovesand the corrugated sand resem.ble the hollow of the roof of a dog’s mouth.” That was the real Bagnold, a manwho would put his inquiring hand into the jaws of a dog.
1930. Our first journey, moving south from Jaghbub into the desert among the preserve of Zwaya and Majabra’stribes. A seven-day journey to El Taj. Madox and Bermann, four others. Some camels a horse and a dog. As weleft they told us the old joke. “To start a journey in a sandstorm is good luck.”
We camped the first night twenty miles south. The next morning we woke and came out of our tents at five. Toocold to sleep. We stepped towards the fires and sat in their light in the larger darkness. Above us were the laststars. There would be no sunrise for another two hours. We passed around hot glasses of tea. The camels werebeing fed, half asleep, chewing the dates along with the date stones. We ate breakfast and then drank three moreglasses of tea.
Hours later we were in the sandstorm that hit us out of clear morning, coming from nowhere. The breeze that hadbeen refreshing had gradually strengthened. Eventually we looked down, and the surface of the desert waschanged. Pass me the book... here. This is Hassanein Bey’s wonderful account of such storms—“It is as though the surface were underlaid with steam-pipes, with thousands of orifices through which tiny jets ofsteam are puffing out. The sand leaps in little spurts and whirls. Inch by inch the disturbance rises as the windincreases its force. It seems as though the whole surface of the desert were rising in obedience to someupthrusting force beneath. Larger pebbles strike against the shins, the knees, the thighs. The sand-grains climbthe body till it strikes the face and goes over the head. The sky is shut out, all but the nearest objects fade fromview, the universe is filled.”
We had to keep moving. If you pause sand builds up as it would around anything stationary, and locks you in.
You are lost forever. A sandstorm can last five hours. Even when we were in trucks in later years we would haveto keep driving with no vision. The worst terrors came at night. Once, north of Kufra, we were hit by a storm inthe darkness. Three a.m. The gale swept the tents from their moorings and we rolled with them, taking in sandlike a sinking boat takes in water, weighed down, suffocating, till we were cut free by a camel driver.
We travelled through three storms during nine days. We missed small desert towns where we expected to locatemore supplies. The horse vanished. Three of the camels died. For the last two days there was no food, only tea.
The last link with any other world was the clink of the fire-black tea urn and the long spoon and the glass whichcame towards us in the darkness of the mornings. After the third night we gave up talking. All that mattered wasthe fire and the minimal brown liquid.
Only by luck did we stumble on the desert town of El Taj. I walked through the souk, the alley of clockschiming, into the street of barometers, past the rifle-cartridge stalls, stands of Italian tomato sauce and othertinned food from Benghazi, calico from Egypt, ostrich-tail decorations, street dentists, book merchants. We werestill mute, each of us dispersing along our own paths. We received this new world slowly, as if coming out of adrowning. In the central square of El Taj we sat and ate lamb, rice, badawi cakes, and drank milk with almondpulp beaten into it. All this after the long wait for three ceremonial glasses of tea flavoured with amber and mint.
Sometime in 1931 I joined a Bedouin caravan and was told there was another one of us there. Fenelon-Barnes, itturned out. I went to his tent. He was out for the day on some small expedition, cataloguing fossil trees. I lookedaround his tent, the sheaf of maps, the photos he always carried of his family, et cetera. As I was leaving I saw amirror tacked up high against the skin wall, and looking at it I saw the reflection of the bed. There seemed to be asmall lump, a dog possibly, under the covers. I pulled back the djellaba and there was a small Arab girl tied up,sleeping there.
By 1932, Bagnold was finished and Madox and the rest of us were everywhere. Looking for the lost army ofCambyses. Looking for Zerzura. 1932 and 1933 and 1934. Not seeing each other for months. Just the Bedouinand us, crisscrossing the Forty Days Road. There were rivers of desert tribes, the most beautiful humans I’ve metin my life. We were German, English, Hungarian, African—all of us insignificant to them. Gradually we becamenationless. I came to hate nations. We are deformed by nation-states. Madox died because of nations.
The desert could not be claimed or owned—it was a piece of cloth carried by winds, never held down by stones,and given a hundred shifting names long before Canterbury existed, long before battles and treaties quiltedEurope and the East. Its caravans, those strange rambling feasts and cultures, left nothing behind, not an ember.
All of us, even those with European homes and children in the distance, wished to re.move the clothing of ourcountries. It was a place of faith. We disappeared into landscape. Fire and sand. We left the har.bours of oasis.
The places water came to and touched... Ain, Bir, Wadi, Foggara, Khottara, Shaduf. I didn’t want my nameagainst such beautiful names. Erase the family name! Erase nations! I was taught such things by the desert.
Still, some wanted their mark there. On that dry water.course, on this shingled knoll. Small vanities in this plotof land northwest of the Sudan, south of Cyrenaica. Fenelon-Barnes wanted the fossil trees he discovered to bearhis name. He even wanted a tribe to take his name, and spent a year on the negotiations. Then Bauchan outdidhim, having a type of sand dune named after him. But I wanted to erase my name and the place I had come from.
By the time war arrived, after ten years in the desert, it was easy for me to slip across bor.ders, not to belong toanyone, to any nation.
1933 or 1934. I forget the year. Madox, Casparius, Ber-mann, myself, two Sudanese drivers and a cook. By nowwe travel in A-type Ford cars with box bodies and are using for the first time large balloon tires known as airwheels. They ride better on sand, but the gamble is whether they will stand up to stone fields and splinter rocks.
We leave Kharga on March 22. Bermann and I have theo.rized that three wadis written about by Williamson in1838 make up Zerzura.
Southwest of the Gilf Kebir are three isolated granite mas.sifs rising out of the plain—Gebel Arkanu, GebelUweinat, and Gebel Kissu. The three are fifteen miles apart from each other. Good water in several of theravines, though the wells at Gebel Arkanu are bitter, not drinkable except in an emer.gency. Williamson saidthree wadis formed Zerzura, but he never located them and this is considered fable. Yet even one rain oasis inthese crater-shaped hills would solve the riddle of how Cambyses and his army could attempt to cross such adesert, of the Senussi raids during the Great War, when the black giant raiders crossed a desert which supposedlyhas no water or pasture. This was a world that had been civilised for centuries, had a thousand paths and roads.
We find jars at Abu Ballas with the classic Greek amphora shape. Herodotus speaks of such jars.
Bermann and I talk to a snakelike mysterious old man in the fortress of El Jof—in the stone hall that once hadbeen the library of the great Senussi sheik. An old Tebu, a caravan guide by profession, speaking accentedArabic. Later Bermann says “like the screeching of bats,” quoting Herodotus. We talk to him all day, all night,and he gives nothing away. The Senussi creed, their foremost doctrine, is still not to reveal the secrets of thedesert to strangers.
At Wadi el Melik we see birds of an unknown species.
On May 5, I climb a stone cliff and approach the Uweinat plateau from a new direction. I find myself in a broadwadi full of acacia trees.
There was a time when mapmakers named the places they travelled through with the names of lovers rather thantheir own. Someone seen bathing in a desert caravan, holding up muslin with one arm in front of her. Some oldArab poet’s woman, whose white-dove shoulders made him describe an oasis with her name. The skin bucketspreads water over her, she wraps herself in the cloth, and the old scribe turns from her to describe Zerzura.
So a man in the desert can slip into a name as if within a discovered well, and in its shadowed coolness betempted never to leave such containment. My great desire was to remain there, among those acacias. I waswalking not in a place where no one had walked before but in a place where there were sudden, brief populationsover the centuries—a fourteenth-century army, a Tebu caravan, the Senussi raiders of 1915. And in betweenthese times—nothing was there. When no rain fell the acacias withered, the wadis dried out... until watersuddenly reappeared fifty or a hundred years later. Spo.radic appearances and disappearances, like legends andru.mours through history.
In the desert the most loved waters, like a lover’s name, are carried blue in your hands, enter your throat. Oneswallows absence. A woman in Cairo curves the white length of her body up from the bed and leans out of thewindow into a rainstorm to allow her nakedness to receive it.
Hana leans forward, sensing his drifting, watching him, not saying a word. Who is she, this woman?
The ends of the earth are never the points on a map that colonists push against, enlarging their sphere ofinfluence. On one side servants and slaves and tides of power and correspon.dence with the GeographicalSociety. On the other the first step by a white man across a great river, the first sight (by a white eye) of amountain that has been there forever.
When we are young we do not look into mirrors. It is when we are old, concerned with our name, our legend,what our lives will mean to the future. We become vain with the names we own, our claims to have been the firsteyes, the strongest army, the cleverest merchant. It is when he is old that Nar.cissus wants a graven image ofhimself.
But we were interested in how our lives could mean some.thing to the past. We sailed into the past. We wereyoung. We knew power and great finance were temporary things. We all slept with Herodotus. “For those citiesthat were great in earlier times must have now become small, and those that were great in my time were small inthe time before.... Man’s good fortune never abides in the same place.”
In 1936 a young man named Geoffrey Clifton had met a friend at Oxford who mentioned what we were doing.
He contacted me, got married the next day, and two weeks later flew with his wife to Cairo.
The couple entered our world—the four of us, Prince Kemal el Din, Bell, Almasy and Madox. The name that stillfilled our mouths was Gilf Kebir. Somewhere in the Gilf nes.tled Zerzura, whose name occurs in Arab writingsas far back as the thirteenth century. When you travel that far in time you need a plane, and young Clifton wasrich and he could fly and he had a plane.
Clifton met us in El Jof, north of Uweinat. He sat in his two-seater plane and we walked towards him from thebase camp. He stood up in the cockpit and poured a drink out of his flask. His new wife sat beside him.
“I name this site the Bir Messaha Country Club,” he an.nounced.
I watched the friendly uncertainty scattered across his wife’s face, her lionlike hair when she pulled off theleather helmet.
They were youth, felt like our children. They climbed out of the plane and shook hands with us.
That was 1936, the beginning of our story....
They jumped off the wing of the Moth. Clifton walked towards us holding out the flask, and we all sipped thewarm alcohol. He was one for ceremonies. He had named his plane Rupert Bear. I don’t think he loved thedesert, but he had an affection for it that grew out of awe at our stark order, into which he wanted to fit himself—like a joyous undergraduate who respects silent behaviour in a library. We had not ex.pected him to bring hiswife, but we were I suppose courteous about it. She stood there while the sand collected in her mane of hair.
What were we to this young couple? Some of us had written books about dune formation, the disappearance andreappear.ance of oases, the lost culture of deserts. We seemed to be interested only in things that could not bebought or sold, of no interest to the outside world. We argued about latitudes, or about an event that hadhappened seven hundred years earlier. The theorems of exploration. That Abd el Melik Ibra-him el Zwaya wholived in Zuck oasis pasturing camels was the first man among those tribes who could understand the concept ofphotographs.
The Cliftons were on the last days of their honeymoon. I left them with the others and went to join a man inKufra and spent many days with him, trying out theories I had kept secret from the rest of the expedition. Ireturned to the base camp at El Jof three nights later.
The desert fire was between us. The Cliftons, Madox, Bell and myself. If a man leaned back a few inches hewould dis.appear into darkness. Katharine Clifton began to recite some.thing, and my head was no longer in thehalo of the camp’s twig fire.
There was classical blood in her face. Her parents were famous, apparently, in the world of legal history. I am aman who did not enjoy poetry until I heard a woman recite it to us.
And in that desert she dragged her university days into our midst to describe the stars—the way Adam tenderlytaught a woman with gracious metaphors.
These then, though unbeheld in deep of night,Shine not in vain, nor think, though men were none,That Heav’n would want spectators, God want praise;Millions of spiritual Creatures walk the EarthUnseen, both when we -wake, and when we sleep:
All these with ceaseless praise his works beholdBoth day and night: how often from the steepOf echoing Hill or Thicket have we heardCelestial voices to the midnight air,Sole, or responsive each to other’s noteSinging their great Creator...
That night I fell in love with a voice. Only a voice. I wanted to hear nothing more. I got up and walked away.
She was a willow. What would she be like in winter, at my age? I see her still, always, with the eye of Adam.
She had been these awkward limbs climbing out of a plane, bending down in our midst to prod at a fire, herelbow up and pointed towards me as she drank from a canteen.
A few months later, she waltzed with me, as we danced as a group in Cairo. Though slightly drunk she wore anuncon.querable face. Even now the face I believe that most revealed her was the one she had that time when wewere both half drunk, not lovers.
All these years I have been trying to unearth what she was handing me with that look. It seemed to be contempt.
So it appeared to me. Now I think she was studying me. She was an innocent, surprised at something in me. Iwas behaving the way I usually behave in bars, but this time with the wrong company. I am a man who kept thecodes of my behaviour separate. I was forgetting she was younger than I.
She was studying me. Such a simple thing. And I was watch.ing for one wrong move in her statue-like gaze,something that would give her away.
Give me a map and I’ll build you a city. Give me a pencil and I will draw you a room in South Cairo, desertcharts on the wall. Always the desert was among us. I could wake and raise my eyes to the map of oldsettlements along the Mediter.ranean coast—Gazala, Tobruk, Mersa Matruh—and south of that the hand-painted wadis, and surrounding those the shades of yellowness that we invaded, tried to lose ourselves in. “Mytask is to describe briefly the several expeditions which have attacked the Gilf Kebir. Dr. Bermann will later takeus back to the desert as it existed thousands of years ago...”
That is the way Madox spoke to other geographers at Ken.sington Gore. But you do not find adultery in theminutes of the Geographical Society. Our room never appears in the de.tailed reports which chartered everyknoll and every incident of history.
In the street of imported parrots in Cairo one is hectored by almost articulate birds. The birds bark and whistle inrows, like a plumed avenue. I knew which tribe had travelled which silk or camel road carrying them in theirpetite palanquins across the deserts. Forty-day journeys, after the birds were caught by slaves or picked likeflowers in equatorial gardens and then placed in bamboo cages to enter the river that is trade. They appeared likebrides in a mediaeval courtship.
We stood among them. I was showing her a city that was new to her.
Her hand touched me at the wrist.
“If I gave you my life, you would drop it. Wouldn’t you?”
I didn’t say anything.