I took off early, long before sunrise was due. I'd gotten just a little bit of uneasy sleep leaning against theside of the sofa. Edward woke me when Bella's face was flushed, and he took my spot to cool her backdown. I stretched and decided I was rested enough to get some work done.
"Thank you," Edward said quietly, seeing my plans. "If the route is clear, they'll go today."Tillet you know."It felt good to get back to my animal self. I was stiff from sitting still for so long. I extended my stride,working out the kinks.
Morning, Jacob,Leah greeted me.
Good, you're up. How long's Seth been out?
Not out yet,Seth thought sleepily. Almost there. What do you need?
You think you got another hour in you?
Sure thing. No problem.Seth got to his feet right away, shaking out his fur.
Let's make the deep run,Itold Leah. Seth, take the perimeter.
Gotcha.Seth broke into an easy jog.
Off on another vampire errand,Leah grumbled.
You got a problem with that?
Of course not. I just love to coddle those darling leeches.
Good. Let's see how fast we can run.
Okay, I'm definitely up forthat/Leah was on the far western rim of the perimeter. Rather than cut close to the Cullens' house, she stuckto the circle as she raced around to meet me. I sprinted off straight east, knowing that even with the headstart, she'd bepassing me soon if I took it easy for even a second.
Nose to the ground, Leah. This isn't a race, it's a reconnaissance mission.
I can do both and still kick your buttI gave her that one. / know.
She laughed.
We took a winding path through the eastern mountains. It wasa familiar route. We'd run these mountainswhen the vampires had left a year ago, making it part of our patrol route to better protect the peoplehere. Then we'd pulled back the lines when the Cullens returned. This was their treaty land.
But that fact would probably mean nothing to Sam now. The treaty was dead. The question today washow thin he was willing to spread his force. Was he looking for stray Cullens to poach on their land ornot? Had Jared spoken the truth or taken advantage of the silence between us?
We got deeper and deeper into the mountains without finding any trace of the pack. Fading vampiretrails were everywhere, but the scents were familiar now. I was breathing them in all day long.
I founda heavy, somewhat recent concentration on one particular trail—all of them coming and goinghere except for Edward. Some reason for gathering that must have been forgotten when Edward broughthis dying pregnant wife home. I gritted my teeth. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me.
Leah didn't push herself past me, though she could have now. I was paying more attention to each newscent than I was to the speed contest. She kept to my right side, running with me rather than racingagainst me.
Were getting pretty far out here,she commented.
Yeah. If Sam was hunting strays, we should have crossed his trail by now.
Makes more sense right now for him to bunker down in La Push,Leah thought. He knows we're givingthe bloodsuckers three extra sets of eyes and legs. He's not going to be able to surprise them.
This was just a precaution, really.
Wouldn't want our precious parasites taking unnecessary chances.
Nope,I agreed, ignoring the sarcasm.
You've changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties.
You're not exactly the same Leah I've always known and loved, either.
True. Am I less annoying than Paul now?
Amazingly... yes.
Ah, sweet success.
Congrats.
We ran in silence again then. It was probably time to turn around, but neither of us wanted to. It felt niceto run like this. We'd been staring at the same small circle of atrail for too long. It felt good to stretch ourmuscles and take the rugged terrain. We weren't in a huge hurry, so I thought maybe we should hunt onthe way back. Leah was prettyhungry.
Yum, yum,she thought sourly.
It's all in your head,I told her. That's the way wolves eat. It's natural. It tastes fine. If you didn'tthink about it from a human perspective—Forget the pep talk, Jacob. I'll hunt I don't have to like itSure, sure,I agreed easily. It wasn't my business if she wanted to make things harder for herself.
She didn't add anything for a few minutes; I started thinking about turning back.
Thank you,Leah suddenly told me in a much different tone.
For?
For letting me be. For letting me stay. You've been nicer than I had any right to expect, Jacob.
Er, no problem. Actually, I mean that. I don't mind having you here like I thought I would.
She snorted, but it was a playful sound. What a glowing commendation!
Don't let it go to your head.
Okay— if you don't let this go to yours.She paused for a second. / think you make a good Alpha.
Not in the same way Sam does, but in your own way. You're worth following, Jacob.
My mind went blank with surprise. It took me a second to recover enough to respond.
Er, thanks. Not totally sure I'll be able to stop that one from going to my head, though. Where did thatcome from?
She didn't answer right away, and I followed the wordless direction of her thoughts. She was thinkingabout the future—about what I'd said to Jared the other morning. About how the time would be up soon,and then I'd go back to the forest. About how I'd promised that she and Seth would return to the packwhen the Cullens were gone___/ want to stay with you, she told me.
The shock shot through my legs, locking my joints. She blew past me and then put on the brakes.
Slowly, she walked back to where I was frozen in place.
/ won't be a pain, I swear. I won't follow you around. You can go wherever you want, and I'll gowhere I want. You'll only have to put up with me when we're both wolves. She paced back and forthin front of me, swishing her long gray tail nervously. And, as I'm planning on quitting as soon as I canmanage it... maybe that won't be so often.
I didn't know what to say.
I'm happier now, as a part of your pack, than I have been in years.
I want to stay, too,Seth thought quietly. I hadn't realized he'd been paying much attention to us as he ranthe perimeter. / like this pack.
Hey, now! Seth, this isn't going to be a pack much longer.I tried to put my thoughts together so theywould convince him. We've got a purpose now, but when... after that's over, I'm just going to gowolf. Seth, you need a purpose. You're a good kid. You're the kind of person who always has acrusade. And there's no way you're leaving La Push now. You're going to graduate from highschool and do something with your life. You're going to take care of Sue.
My issues are not going to mess up your future.
But —Jacob is rightLeah seconded.
You're agreeing with me?
Of course. But none of that applies tome. / was on my way out anyway. I'll get a job somewhereaway from La Push. Maybe take some courses at a community college. Get into yoga andmeditation to work on my temper issues.... And stay a part of this pack for the sake of my mentalwell-being. Jacob— you can see how that makes sense, right? I won't bother you, you won'tbother me, everyone is happy.
I turned back and started loping slowly toward the west.
This is a bit much to deal with, Leah. Let me think about it, 'kay?
Sure. Take your time.
It took us longer to make the run back. I wasn't trying for speed. I was just trying to concentrate enoughthat I wouldn't plow headfirst into a tree. Seth was grumbling a little bit in the back of my head, but I wasable to ignore him. He knew I was right. He wasn't going to abandon his mom. He would go back to LaPush and protect the tribe like he should.
But I couldn't see Leah doing that. And that was just plain scary.
A pack of the two of us? No matter the physical distance, I couldn't imagine the... the intimacy of thatsituation. I wondered if she'd really thought it through, or if she was just desperate to stay free.
Leah didn't say anything as I chewed it over. It was like she was trying to prove how easy it would be ifit was just us.
We ran into a herd of black-tailed deer just as the sun was coming up, brightening the clouds a little bitbehind us. Leah sighed internally but didn't hesitate. Her lunge was clean and efficient—graceful, even.
She took down the largest one, the buck, before the startled animal fully understood the danger.
Not to be outdone, I swooped down on the next largest deer, snapping her neck between my jawsquickly, so she wouldn't feel unnecessary pain. I could feel Leah's disgust warring with her hunger, and Itried to make it easier for her by letting the wolf in me have my head. I'd lived all-wolf for long enoughthat I knew how to be the animal completely, to see his way and think his way. I let the practical instinctstake over, letting her feel that, too. She hesitated for a second, but then, tentatively, she seemed to reachout with her mind and try to see my way. It felt very strange—our minds were more closely linked thanthey had ever been before, because we both were trying to think together.
Strange, but it helped her. Her teeth cut through the fur and skin of her kill's shoulder, tearing away athick slab of streaming flesh. Rather than wince away as her human thoughts wanted to, she let herwolf-self react instinctively. It was kind of a numbing thing, a thoughtless thing. It let her eat in peace.
It was easy for me to do the same. And I was glad I hadn't forgotten this. This would be my life againsoon.
Was Leah going to be a part of that life? A week ago, I wouldve found that idea beyond horrifying. Iwouldn't'vebeen able to stand it. But I knew her better now. And, relieved from the constant pain, she wasn't thesame wolf. Not the same girl.
We ate together until we both were full.
Thanks,she told me later as she was cleaning her muzzle and paws against the wet grass. I didn't bother;it had just started to drizzle and we had to swim the river again on our way back. I'd get clean enough.
That wasn't so bad, thinking your way.
You're welcome.
Seth was dragging when we hit the perimeter. I told him to get some sleep; Leah and I would take overthe patrol. Seth's mind faded into unconsciousness just seconds later.
You headed back to the bloodsuckers?Leah asked.
Maybe.
It's hard for you to be there, but hard to stay away, too. I know how that feels.
You know, Leah, you might want to think a little bit about the future, about what you really want to do.
My head is not going to be the happiest place on earth. And you'll have to suffer right along with me.
She thought about how to answer me. Wow, this is going to sound bad. But, honestly, it will beeasier to deal with your pain than face mine.
Fair enough.
I know it's going to be bad for you, Jacob. I understand that— maybe better than you think. I don'tlike her, but... she's your Sam. She's everything you want and everything you can't have.
I couldn't answer.
/ know it's worse for you. At least Sam is happy. At least he's alive and well. I love him enoughthat I want that. I want him to have what's best for him. She sighed. I just don't want to stickaround to watch.
Do we need to talk about this?
I think we do. Because I want you to know that I won't make it worse for you. Hell, maybe I'll evenhelp. I wasn'tborn a compassionless shrew. I used to be sort of nice, you know.
My memory doesn't go that far back.
We both laughed once.
I'm sorry about this, Jacob. I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm sorry it's getting worse and not betterThanks, Leah.
She thought about the things that were worse, the black pictures in my head, while I tried to tune her outwithout much success. She was able to look at them with some distance, some perspective, and I had toadmit that this was helpful. I could imagine that maybe I would be able to see it that way, too, in a fewyears.
She saw the funny side of the daily irritations that came from hanging out around vampires. She liked myragging on Rosalie, chuckling internally and even running through a few blonde jokes in her mind that Imight be ableto work in. But then her thoughts turned serious, lingering on Rosalie's face in a way that confused me.
You know what's crazy?she asked.
Well, almost everything is crazy right now. But what do you mean?
That blond vampire you hate so much—/ totally get her perspective.
For a second I thought she was making a joke that was in very poor taste. And then, when I realized shewas serious, the fury that ripped through me was hard to control. It was a good thing we'd spread out torun our watch. If she'd been within biting distance...
Hold up! Let me explain!
Don't want to hear it I'm outta here.
Wait! Wait!she pleaded as I tried to calm myself enough to phase back. C'mon, Jake!
Leah, this isn't really the best way to convince me that I want to spend more time with you in the future.
Yeesh! What an overreaction. You don't even know what I'm talking aboutSo whatare you talking about?
And then she was suddenly the pain-hardened Leah from before. I'm talking about being a geneticdead end, Jacob.
The vicious edge to her words left me floundering. I hadn't expected to have my anger trumped.
I don't understand.
Youwould, if you weren't just like the rest of them. If my "female sfu/T—she thought the words witha hard, sarcastic tone— didn't send you running for cover just like any stupid male, so you couldactually pay attention to what it all means.
Oh.
Yeah, so none of us like to think about that stuff with her. Who would? Of course I remembered Leah'spanic that first month after she joined the pack—and I remembered cringing away from it just likeeveryone else. Because she couldn't be pregnant— not unless there was some really freaky religiousimmaculate crap going on. She hadn't been with anyone since Sam. And then, when the weeks draggedon and nothing turned into more nothing, she'd realized that her body wasn't following the normal patternsanymore. The horror—what was she now? Had her body changed because she'd become a werewolf?
Or had she become a werewolf because her body was wrong? The only female werewolf in the historyof forever. Was that because she wasn't as female as she should be?
None of us had wanted to deal with that breakdown. Obviously, it wasn't like we could empathize.
You know why Sam thinks we imprint,she thought, calmer now.
Sure. To carry on the line.
Right. To make a bunch of new little werewolves. Survival of the species, genetic override. You'redrawn to the person who gives you the best chance to pass on the wolf gene.
I waited for her to tell me where she was qoinq with this.
If I was any good for that, Sam would have been drawn tome.
Her pain was enough that I broke stride under it.
But I'm not There's something wrong with me. I don't have the ability to pass on the gene, apparently,despite my stellar bloodlines. So I become a freak— the girlie-wolf—good for nothing else. I'm agenetic dead end and we both know it.
We do not,I argued with her. That's just Sam's theory. Imprinting happens, but we don't know why.
Billy thinks it's something else.
I know, I know. He thinks you're imprinting to makestronger wolves. Because you and Sam are suchhumongous monsters— bigger than our fathers. But either way, I'm still not a candidate. I'm... I'mmenopausal. I'm twenty years old and I'm menopausal.
Ugh. I so didn't want to have this conversation. You don't know that, Leah. It's probably just thewhole frozen-in-time thing. When you quit your wolf and start getting older again, I'm sure thingswill... er... pick right back up.
/might think that— except that no one's imprinting onme, notwithstanding my impressivepedigree. You know, she added thoughtfully, if you weren't around, Seth would probably have thebest claim to being Alpha — through his blood, at least. Of course, no one would ever considerme....
You reallywant to imprint, or be imprinted on, or whichever? I demanded. What's wrong withgoing out and falling in love like a normal person, Leah? Imprinting is just another way of gettingyour choices taken away from you.
Sam, Jared, Paul, Quit... they don't seem to mind.
None of themhave a mind of their own.
You don't want to imprint?
Hell, no!
That's just because you're already in love withher. That would go away, you know, if you imprinted.
You wouldn't have to hurt over her anymore.
Do you want to forget the way you feel about Sam?
She deliberated for a moment. / think I do.
I sighed. She was in a healthier place than I was.
But back to my original point, Jacob. I understand why your blond vampire is so cold— in thefigurative sense. She's focused. She's got her eyes on the prize, right? Because you always wantthe very most what you can never, ever have.
You would act like Rosalie? You would murder someone— because that's what she's doing,making sure no one interferes with Bella's death— you would do that to have a baby? Since whenare you a breeder?
I just want the options I don't have, Jacob. Maybe, if there was nothing wrong with me, I would nevergive it a thought.
You would kill for that?I demanded, not letting her escape my question.
That's not what she's doing. I think it's more like she's living vicariously. And... if Bella askedme to helpher withthis...She paused, considering. Even though I don't think too much of her, I'd probably do the sameas the bloodsucker.
A loud snarl ripped through my teeth.
Because, if it was turned around, I'd want Bella to do that for me. And so would Rosalie. We'd both doit her way.
Ugh! You're as bad as they are!
That's the funny thing about knowing you can't have something. It makes you desperate.
And.. . that's my limit Right there. This conversation is over.
Fine.
It wasn't enough that she'd agreed to stop. I wanted a stronger termination than that.
I was only about a mile from where I'd left my clothes, so I phased back to human and walked. I didn'tthink about our conversation. Not because there wasn't anything to think about, but because I couldn'tstand it. I would not see it that way—but it was harder to keep from doing that when Leah had put thethoughts and emotions straight into my head.
Yeah, I wasn't running with her when this was finished. She could go be miserable in La Push. One littleAlpha command before I left for good wasn't going to kill anybody.
It was real early when I got to the house. Bella was probably still asleep. I figured I'd poke my head in,see what was going on, give 'em the green light to go hunting, and then find a patch of grass soft enoughto sleep on while human. I wasn't phasing back until Leah was asleep.
But there was a lot of low mumbling going on inside the house, so maybe Bella wasn't sleeping. And thenI heard the machinery sound from upstairs again—the X-ray? Great. It looked like day four on thecountdown was starting off with a bang.
Alice opened the door for me before I could walk in.
She nodded. "Hey, wolf.""Hey, shortie. What's going on upstairs?" The big room was empty—all the murmurs were on thesecond floor.
She shrugged her pointy little shoulders. "Maybe another break." She tried to say the words casually, butI could see the flames in the very back of her eyes. Edward and I weren't the only ones who wereburning over this. Alice loved Bella, too.
"Another rib?" I asked hoarsely.
"No. Pelvis this time."Funny how it kept hitting me, like each new thing was a surprise. When was I going to stop beingsurprised? Each new disaster seemed kinda obvious in hindsight.
Alice was staring at my hands, watching them tremble.
Then we were listening to Rosalie's voice upstairs.
"See, I told you I didn't hear a crack. You need your ears checked, Edward."There was no answer.
Alice made a face. "Edward's going to end up ripping Rose into small pieces, I think. I'm surprised shedoesn't see that. Or maybe she thinks Emmett will be able to stop him.""I'll take Emmett," I offered. "You can help Edward with the ripping part."Alice half-smiled.
The procession came down the stairs then—Edward had Bella this time. She was gripping her cup ofblood in both hands, and her face was white. I could see that, though he compensated for every tinymovement of his body to keep from jostling her, she was hurting.
"Jake," she whispered, and she smiled through the pain.
I stared at her, saying nothing.
Edward placed Bella carefully on her couch and sat on the floor by her head. I wondered briefly whythey didn't leave her upstairs, and then decided at once that it must be Bella's idea. She'd want to act likethings were normal, avoid the hospital setup. And he was humoring her. Naturally.
Carlisle came down slowly, the last one, his face creased with worry. It made him look old enough to bea doctor for once.
"Carlisle," I said. "We went halfway to Seattle. There's no sign of the pack. You're good to go.""Thank you, Jacob. This is good timing. There's much that we need." His black eyes flickered to the cupthat Bella was holding so tight.
"Honestly, I think you're safe to take more than three. I'm pretty positive that Sam is concentrating on LaPush."Carlisle nodded in agreement. It surprised me how willingly he took my advice. "If you think so. Alice,Esme, Jasper, and I will go. Then Alice can take Emmett and Rosa—""Not a chance," Rosalie hissed. "Emmett can go with you now.""You should hunt," Carlisle said in a gentle voice.
His tone didn't soften hers. "I'll hunt when he does," she growled, jerking her head toward Edward andthen flipping her hair back.
Carlisle sighed.
Jasper and Emmett were down the stairs in a flash, and Alice joined them by the glass back door in thesame second. Esme flitted to Alice's side.
Carlisle put his hand on my arm. The icy touch did not feel good, but I didn't jerk away. I held still, halfin surprise, and half because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
"Thank you," he said again, and then he darted out the door with the other four. My eyes followed themas they flew across the lawn and then disappeared before I took another breath. Their needs must havebeen more urgent than I'd imagined.
There was no sound for a minute. I could feel someone glaring at me, and I knew who it would be. I'dbeen planning to take off and get some Z's, but the chance to ruin Rosalie's morning seemed too good topass up.
So I sauntered over to the armchair next to the one Rosalie had and settled in, sprawling out so that myheadwas tilted toward Bella and my left foot was near Rosalie's face.
"Ew. Someone put the dog out," she murmured, wrinkling her nose.
"Have you heard this one, Psycho? How do a blonde's brain cells die?"She didn't say anything.
"Well?" I asked. "Do you know the punch line or not?"She looked pointedly at the TV and ignored me.
"Has she heard it?" I asked Edward.
There was no humor on his tense face—he didn't move his eyes from Bella. But he said, "No.""Awesome. So you'll enjoy this, bloodsucker—a blonde's brain cells die alone."Rosalie still didn't look at me. "I have killed a hundred times more often than you have, you disgustingbeast. Don't forget that.""Someday, Beauty Queen, you're going to get tired of just threatening me. I'm really looking forward tothat.""Enough, Jacob," Bella said.
I looked down, and she was scowling at me. It looked like yesterday's good mood was long gone.
Well, I didn't want to bug her. "You want me to take off?" I offered.
Before I could hope—or fear—that she'd finally gotten tired of me, she blinked, and her frowndisappeared. She seemed totally shocked that I would come to that conclusion. "No! Of course not."I sighed, and I heard Edward sigh very quietly, too. I knew he wished she'd get over me, too. Too badhe'd never ask her to do anything that might make her unhappy.
"You look tired," Bella commented.
"Dead beat," I admitted.
I'dlike to beat you dead," Rosalie muttered, too low for Bella to hear.
I just slumped deeper into the chair, getting comfortable. My bare foot dangled closer to Rosalie, andshe stiffened. After a few minutes Bella asked Rosalie for a refill. I felt the wind as Rosalie blew upstairsto get her some more blood. It was really quiet. Might as well take a nap, I figured.
And then Edward said, "Did you say something?" in a puzzled tone. Strange. Because no one had saidanything, and because Edward's hearing was as good as mine, and he should have known that.
He was staring at Bella, and she was staring back. They both looked confused.
"Me?" she asked after a second. "I didn't say anything."He moved onto his knees, leaning forward over her, his expression suddenly intense in a whole differentway. His black eyes focused on her face.
"What are you thinking about right now?"She stared at him blankly. "Nothing. What's going on?""What were you thinking about a minute ago?" he asked.
"Just... Esme's island. And feathers."Sounded like total gibberish to me, but then she blushed, and I figured I was better off not knowing.
"Say something else," he whispered.
Tike what? Edward, what's going on?"His face changed again, and he did something that made my mouth fall open with a pop. I heard a gaspbehind me, and I knew that Rosalie was back, and just as flabbergasted as I was.
Edward, very lightly, put both of his hands against her huge, round stomach.
'The f—" He swallowed. "It... the baby likes the sound of your voice."There was one short beat of total silence. I could not move a muscle, even to blink. Then—"Holy crow, you can hear him!"Bella shouted. In the next second, she winced.
Edward's hand moved to the top peak of her belly and gently rubbed the spot where it must have kickedher.
"Shh," he murmured. "You startled it... him."Her eyes got all wide and full of wonder. She patted the side of her stomach. "Sorry, baby."Edward was listening hard, his head tilted toward the bulge.
"What's he thinking now?" she demanded eagerly.
"It... he or she, is ..." He paused and looked up into her eyes. His eyes were filled with a similar awe—only his were more careful and grudging. "He's happy" Edward said in an incredulous voice.
Her breath caught, and it was impossible not to see the fanatical gleam in her eyes. The adoration andthe devotion. Big, fat tears overflowed her eyes and ran silently down her face and over her smiling lips.
As he stared at her, his face was not frightened or angry or burning or any of the other expressions he'dworn since their return. He was marveling with her.
"Of course you're happy, pretty baby, of course you are," she crooned, rubbing her stomach while thetears washed her cheeks. "How could you not be, all safe and warm and loved? I love you so much, littleEJ, of course you're happy.""What did you call him?" Edward asked curiously.
She blushed again. "I sort of named him. I didn't think you would want... well, you know.""EJ?""Your father's name was Edward, too.""Yes, it was. What—?" He paused and then said, "Hmm.""What?""He likes my voice, too.""Of course he does." Her tone was almost gloating now. "You have the most beautiful voice in theuniverse. Who wouldn't love it?""Do you have a backup plan?" Rosalie asked then, leaning over the back of the sofa with the samewondering, gloating look on her face that was on Bella's. "What if he's a she?"Bella wiped the back of her hand under her wet eyes. "I kicked a few things around. Playing with ReneeandEsme. I was thinking... Ruh-nez-may.""Ruhnezmay?""R-e-n-e-s-m-e-e. Too weird?""No, I like it," Rosalie assured her. Their heads were close together, gold and mahogany. "It's beautiful.
And one of a kind, so that fits""I still think he's an Edward."Edward was staring off into space, his face blank as he listened.
"What?" Bella asked, her face just glowing away. "What's he thinking now?"At first he didn't answer, and then—shocking all the rest of us again, three distinct and separategasps—he laid his ear tenderly against her belly.
"He loves you," Edward whispered, sounding dazed. "He absolutely adores you."In that moment, I knew that I was alone. All alone.
I wanted to kick myself when I realized how much I'd been counting on that loathsome vampire. Howstupid—as if you could ever trust a leech! Of course he would betray me in the end.
I'd counted on him to be on my side. I'd counted on him to suffer more than I suffered. And, most of all,I'd counted on him to hate that revolting thing killing Bella more than I hated it.
I'd trusted him with that.
Yet now they were together, the two of them bent over the budding, invisible monster with their eyes litup like a happy family.
And I was all alone with my hatred and the pain that was so bad it was like being tortured. Like beingdragged slowly across a bed of razor blades. Pain so bad you'd take death with a smile just to get awayfrom it.
The heat unlocked my frozen muscles, and I was on my feet.
All three of their heads snapped up, and I watched my pain ripple across Edward's face as hetrespassed in my head again.
"Ahh," he choked.
I didn't know what I was doing; I stood there, trembling, ready to bolt for the very first escape that Icould think of.
Moving like the strike of a snake, Edward darted to a small end table and ripped something from thedrawer there. He tossed it at me, and I caught the object reflexively.
"Go, Jacob. Get away from here." He didn't say it harshly—he threw the words at me like they were alife preserver. He was helping me find the escape I was dying for.
The object in my hand was a set of car keys.
"Thank you," Edward said quietly, seeing my plans. "If the route is clear, they'll go today."Tillet you know."It felt good to get back to my animal self. I was stiff from sitting still for so long. I extended my stride,working out the kinks.
Morning, Jacob,Leah greeted me.
Good, you're up. How long's Seth been out?
Not out yet,Seth thought sleepily. Almost there. What do you need?
You think you got another hour in you?
Sure thing. No problem.Seth got to his feet right away, shaking out his fur.
Let's make the deep run,Itold Leah. Seth, take the perimeter.
Gotcha.Seth broke into an easy jog.
Off on another vampire errand,Leah grumbled.
You got a problem with that?
Of course not. I just love to coddle those darling leeches.
Good. Let's see how fast we can run.
Okay, I'm definitely up forthat/Leah was on the far western rim of the perimeter. Rather than cut close to the Cullens' house, she stuckto the circle as she raced around to meet me. I sprinted off straight east, knowing that even with the headstart, she'd bepassing me soon if I took it easy for even a second.
Nose to the ground, Leah. This isn't a race, it's a reconnaissance mission.
I can do both and still kick your buttI gave her that one. / know.
She laughed.
We took a winding path through the eastern mountains. It wasa familiar route. We'd run these mountainswhen the vampires had left a year ago, making it part of our patrol route to better protect the peoplehere. Then we'd pulled back the lines when the Cullens returned. This was their treaty land.
But that fact would probably mean nothing to Sam now. The treaty was dead. The question today washow thin he was willing to spread his force. Was he looking for stray Cullens to poach on their land ornot? Had Jared spoken the truth or taken advantage of the silence between us?
We got deeper and deeper into the mountains without finding any trace of the pack. Fading vampiretrails were everywhere, but the scents were familiar now. I was breathing them in all day long.
I founda heavy, somewhat recent concentration on one particular trail—all of them coming and goinghere except for Edward. Some reason for gathering that must have been forgotten when Edward broughthis dying pregnant wife home. I gritted my teeth. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me.
Leah didn't push herself past me, though she could have now. I was paying more attention to each newscent than I was to the speed contest. She kept to my right side, running with me rather than racingagainst me.
Were getting pretty far out here,she commented.
Yeah. If Sam was hunting strays, we should have crossed his trail by now.
Makes more sense right now for him to bunker down in La Push,Leah thought. He knows we're givingthe bloodsuckers three extra sets of eyes and legs. He's not going to be able to surprise them.
This was just a precaution, really.
Wouldn't want our precious parasites taking unnecessary chances.
Nope,I agreed, ignoring the sarcasm.
You've changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties.
You're not exactly the same Leah I've always known and loved, either.
True. Am I less annoying than Paul now?
Amazingly... yes.
Ah, sweet success.
Congrats.
We ran in silence again then. It was probably time to turn around, but neither of us wanted to. It felt niceto run like this. We'd been staring at the same small circle of atrail for too long. It felt good to stretch ourmuscles and take the rugged terrain. We weren't in a huge hurry, so I thought maybe we should hunt onthe way back. Leah was prettyhungry.
Yum, yum,she thought sourly.
It's all in your head,I told her. That's the way wolves eat. It's natural. It tastes fine. If you didn'tthink about it from a human perspective—Forget the pep talk, Jacob. I'll hunt I don't have to like itSure, sure,I agreed easily. It wasn't my business if she wanted to make things harder for herself.
She didn't add anything for a few minutes; I started thinking about turning back.
Thank you,Leah suddenly told me in a much different tone.
For?
For letting me be. For letting me stay. You've been nicer than I had any right to expect, Jacob.
Er, no problem. Actually, I mean that. I don't mind having you here like I thought I would.
She snorted, but it was a playful sound. What a glowing commendation!
Don't let it go to your head.
Okay— if you don't let this go to yours.She paused for a second. / think you make a good Alpha.
Not in the same way Sam does, but in your own way. You're worth following, Jacob.
My mind went blank with surprise. It took me a second to recover enough to respond.
Er, thanks. Not totally sure I'll be able to stop that one from going to my head, though. Where did thatcome from?
She didn't answer right away, and I followed the wordless direction of her thoughts. She was thinkingabout the future—about what I'd said to Jared the other morning. About how the time would be up soon,and then I'd go back to the forest. About how I'd promised that she and Seth would return to the packwhen the Cullens were gone___/ want to stay with you, she told me.
The shock shot through my legs, locking my joints. She blew past me and then put on the brakes.
Slowly, she walked back to where I was frozen in place.
/ won't be a pain, I swear. I won't follow you around. You can go wherever you want, and I'll gowhere I want. You'll only have to put up with me when we're both wolves. She paced back and forthin front of me, swishing her long gray tail nervously. And, as I'm planning on quitting as soon as I canmanage it... maybe that won't be so often.
I didn't know what to say.
I'm happier now, as a part of your pack, than I have been in years.
I want to stay, too,Seth thought quietly. I hadn't realized he'd been paying much attention to us as he ranthe perimeter. / like this pack.
Hey, now! Seth, this isn't going to be a pack much longer.I tried to put my thoughts together so theywould convince him. We've got a purpose now, but when... after that's over, I'm just going to gowolf. Seth, you need a purpose. You're a good kid. You're the kind of person who always has acrusade. And there's no way you're leaving La Push now. You're going to graduate from highschool and do something with your life. You're going to take care of Sue.
My issues are not going to mess up your future.
But —Jacob is rightLeah seconded.
You're agreeing with me?
Of course. But none of that applies tome. / was on my way out anyway. I'll get a job somewhereaway from La Push. Maybe take some courses at a community college. Get into yoga andmeditation to work on my temper issues.... And stay a part of this pack for the sake of my mentalwell-being. Jacob— you can see how that makes sense, right? I won't bother you, you won'tbother me, everyone is happy.
I turned back and started loping slowly toward the west.
This is a bit much to deal with, Leah. Let me think about it, 'kay?
Sure. Take your time.
It took us longer to make the run back. I wasn't trying for speed. I was just trying to concentrate enoughthat I wouldn't plow headfirst into a tree. Seth was grumbling a little bit in the back of my head, but I wasable to ignore him. He knew I was right. He wasn't going to abandon his mom. He would go back to LaPush and protect the tribe like he should.
But I couldn't see Leah doing that. And that was just plain scary.
A pack of the two of us? No matter the physical distance, I couldn't imagine the... the intimacy of thatsituation. I wondered if she'd really thought it through, or if she was just desperate to stay free.
Leah didn't say anything as I chewed it over. It was like she was trying to prove how easy it would be ifit was just us.
We ran into a herd of black-tailed deer just as the sun was coming up, brightening the clouds a little bitbehind us. Leah sighed internally but didn't hesitate. Her lunge was clean and efficient—graceful, even.
She took down the largest one, the buck, before the startled animal fully understood the danger.
Not to be outdone, I swooped down on the next largest deer, snapping her neck between my jawsquickly, so she wouldn't feel unnecessary pain. I could feel Leah's disgust warring with her hunger, and Itried to make it easier for her by letting the wolf in me have my head. I'd lived all-wolf for long enoughthat I knew how to be the animal completely, to see his way and think his way. I let the practical instinctstake over, letting her feel that, too. She hesitated for a second, but then, tentatively, she seemed to reachout with her mind and try to see my way. It felt very strange—our minds were more closely linked thanthey had ever been before, because we both were trying to think together.
Strange, but it helped her. Her teeth cut through the fur and skin of her kill's shoulder, tearing away athick slab of streaming flesh. Rather than wince away as her human thoughts wanted to, she let herwolf-self react instinctively. It was kind of a numbing thing, a thoughtless thing. It let her eat in peace.
It was easy for me to do the same. And I was glad I hadn't forgotten this. This would be my life againsoon.
Was Leah going to be a part of that life? A week ago, I wouldve found that idea beyond horrifying. Iwouldn't'vebeen able to stand it. But I knew her better now. And, relieved from the constant pain, she wasn't thesame wolf. Not the same girl.
We ate together until we both were full.
Thanks,she told me later as she was cleaning her muzzle and paws against the wet grass. I didn't bother;it had just started to drizzle and we had to swim the river again on our way back. I'd get clean enough.
That wasn't so bad, thinking your way.
You're welcome.
Seth was dragging when we hit the perimeter. I told him to get some sleep; Leah and I would take overthe patrol. Seth's mind faded into unconsciousness just seconds later.
You headed back to the bloodsuckers?Leah asked.
Maybe.
It's hard for you to be there, but hard to stay away, too. I know how that feels.
You know, Leah, you might want to think a little bit about the future, about what you really want to do.
My head is not going to be the happiest place on earth. And you'll have to suffer right along with me.
She thought about how to answer me. Wow, this is going to sound bad. But, honestly, it will beeasier to deal with your pain than face mine.
Fair enough.
I know it's going to be bad for you, Jacob. I understand that— maybe better than you think. I don'tlike her, but... she's your Sam. She's everything you want and everything you can't have.
I couldn't answer.
/ know it's worse for you. At least Sam is happy. At least he's alive and well. I love him enoughthat I want that. I want him to have what's best for him. She sighed. I just don't want to stickaround to watch.
Do we need to talk about this?
I think we do. Because I want you to know that I won't make it worse for you. Hell, maybe I'll evenhelp. I wasn'tborn a compassionless shrew. I used to be sort of nice, you know.
My memory doesn't go that far back.
We both laughed once.
I'm sorry about this, Jacob. I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm sorry it's getting worse and not betterThanks, Leah.
She thought about the things that were worse, the black pictures in my head, while I tried to tune her outwithout much success. She was able to look at them with some distance, some perspective, and I had toadmit that this was helpful. I could imagine that maybe I would be able to see it that way, too, in a fewyears.
She saw the funny side of the daily irritations that came from hanging out around vampires. She liked myragging on Rosalie, chuckling internally and even running through a few blonde jokes in her mind that Imight be ableto work in. But then her thoughts turned serious, lingering on Rosalie's face in a way that confused me.
You know what's crazy?she asked.
Well, almost everything is crazy right now. But what do you mean?
That blond vampire you hate so much—/ totally get her perspective.
For a second I thought she was making a joke that was in very poor taste. And then, when I realized shewas serious, the fury that ripped through me was hard to control. It was a good thing we'd spread out torun our watch. If she'd been within biting distance...
Hold up! Let me explain!
Don't want to hear it I'm outta here.
Wait! Wait!she pleaded as I tried to calm myself enough to phase back. C'mon, Jake!
Leah, this isn't really the best way to convince me that I want to spend more time with you in the future.
Yeesh! What an overreaction. You don't even know what I'm talking aboutSo whatare you talking about?
And then she was suddenly the pain-hardened Leah from before. I'm talking about being a geneticdead end, Jacob.
The vicious edge to her words left me floundering. I hadn't expected to have my anger trumped.
I don't understand.
Youwould, if you weren't just like the rest of them. If my "female sfu/T—she thought the words witha hard, sarcastic tone— didn't send you running for cover just like any stupid male, so you couldactually pay attention to what it all means.
Oh.
Yeah, so none of us like to think about that stuff with her. Who would? Of course I remembered Leah'spanic that first month after she joined the pack—and I remembered cringing away from it just likeeveryone else. Because she couldn't be pregnant— not unless there was some really freaky religiousimmaculate crap going on. She hadn't been with anyone since Sam. And then, when the weeks draggedon and nothing turned into more nothing, she'd realized that her body wasn't following the normal patternsanymore. The horror—what was she now? Had her body changed because she'd become a werewolf?
Or had she become a werewolf because her body was wrong? The only female werewolf in the historyof forever. Was that because she wasn't as female as she should be?
None of us had wanted to deal with that breakdown. Obviously, it wasn't like we could empathize.
You know why Sam thinks we imprint,she thought, calmer now.
Sure. To carry on the line.
Right. To make a bunch of new little werewolves. Survival of the species, genetic override. You'redrawn to the person who gives you the best chance to pass on the wolf gene.
I waited for her to tell me where she was qoinq with this.
If I was any good for that, Sam would have been drawn tome.
Her pain was enough that I broke stride under it.
But I'm not There's something wrong with me. I don't have the ability to pass on the gene, apparently,despite my stellar bloodlines. So I become a freak— the girlie-wolf—good for nothing else. I'm agenetic dead end and we both know it.
We do not,I argued with her. That's just Sam's theory. Imprinting happens, but we don't know why.
Billy thinks it's something else.
I know, I know. He thinks you're imprinting to makestronger wolves. Because you and Sam are suchhumongous monsters— bigger than our fathers. But either way, I'm still not a candidate. I'm... I'mmenopausal. I'm twenty years old and I'm menopausal.
Ugh. I so didn't want to have this conversation. You don't know that, Leah. It's probably just thewhole frozen-in-time thing. When you quit your wolf and start getting older again, I'm sure thingswill... er... pick right back up.
/might think that— except that no one's imprinting onme, notwithstanding my impressivepedigree. You know, she added thoughtfully, if you weren't around, Seth would probably have thebest claim to being Alpha — through his blood, at least. Of course, no one would ever considerme....
You reallywant to imprint, or be imprinted on, or whichever? I demanded. What's wrong withgoing out and falling in love like a normal person, Leah? Imprinting is just another way of gettingyour choices taken away from you.
Sam, Jared, Paul, Quit... they don't seem to mind.
None of themhave a mind of their own.
You don't want to imprint?
Hell, no!
That's just because you're already in love withher. That would go away, you know, if you imprinted.
You wouldn't have to hurt over her anymore.
Do you want to forget the way you feel about Sam?
She deliberated for a moment. / think I do.
I sighed. She was in a healthier place than I was.
But back to my original point, Jacob. I understand why your blond vampire is so cold— in thefigurative sense. She's focused. She's got her eyes on the prize, right? Because you always wantthe very most what you can never, ever have.
You would act like Rosalie? You would murder someone— because that's what she's doing,making sure no one interferes with Bella's death— you would do that to have a baby? Since whenare you a breeder?
I just want the options I don't have, Jacob. Maybe, if there was nothing wrong with me, I would nevergive it a thought.
You would kill for that?I demanded, not letting her escape my question.
That's not what she's doing. I think it's more like she's living vicariously. And... if Bella askedme to helpher withthis...She paused, considering. Even though I don't think too much of her, I'd probably do the sameas the bloodsucker.
A loud snarl ripped through my teeth.
Because, if it was turned around, I'd want Bella to do that for me. And so would Rosalie. We'd both doit her way.
Ugh! You're as bad as they are!
That's the funny thing about knowing you can't have something. It makes you desperate.
And.. . that's my limit Right there. This conversation is over.
Fine.
It wasn't enough that she'd agreed to stop. I wanted a stronger termination than that.
I was only about a mile from where I'd left my clothes, so I phased back to human and walked. I didn'tthink about our conversation. Not because there wasn't anything to think about, but because I couldn'tstand it. I would not see it that way—but it was harder to keep from doing that when Leah had put thethoughts and emotions straight into my head.
Yeah, I wasn't running with her when this was finished. She could go be miserable in La Push. One littleAlpha command before I left for good wasn't going to kill anybody.
It was real early when I got to the house. Bella was probably still asleep. I figured I'd poke my head in,see what was going on, give 'em the green light to go hunting, and then find a patch of grass soft enoughto sleep on while human. I wasn't phasing back until Leah was asleep.
But there was a lot of low mumbling going on inside the house, so maybe Bella wasn't sleeping. And thenI heard the machinery sound from upstairs again—the X-ray? Great. It looked like day four on thecountdown was starting off with a bang.
Alice opened the door for me before I could walk in.
She nodded. "Hey, wolf.""Hey, shortie. What's going on upstairs?" The big room was empty—all the murmurs were on thesecond floor.
She shrugged her pointy little shoulders. "Maybe another break." She tried to say the words casually, butI could see the flames in the very back of her eyes. Edward and I weren't the only ones who wereburning over this. Alice loved Bella, too.
"Another rib?" I asked hoarsely.
"No. Pelvis this time."Funny how it kept hitting me, like each new thing was a surprise. When was I going to stop beingsurprised? Each new disaster seemed kinda obvious in hindsight.
Alice was staring at my hands, watching them tremble.
Then we were listening to Rosalie's voice upstairs.
"See, I told you I didn't hear a crack. You need your ears checked, Edward."There was no answer.
Alice made a face. "Edward's going to end up ripping Rose into small pieces, I think. I'm surprised shedoesn't see that. Or maybe she thinks Emmett will be able to stop him.""I'll take Emmett," I offered. "You can help Edward with the ripping part."Alice half-smiled.
The procession came down the stairs then—Edward had Bella this time. She was gripping her cup ofblood in both hands, and her face was white. I could see that, though he compensated for every tinymovement of his body to keep from jostling her, she was hurting.
"Jake," she whispered, and she smiled through the pain.
I stared at her, saying nothing.
Edward placed Bella carefully on her couch and sat on the floor by her head. I wondered briefly whythey didn't leave her upstairs, and then decided at once that it must be Bella's idea. She'd want to act likethings were normal, avoid the hospital setup. And he was humoring her. Naturally.
Carlisle came down slowly, the last one, his face creased with worry. It made him look old enough to bea doctor for once.
"Carlisle," I said. "We went halfway to Seattle. There's no sign of the pack. You're good to go.""Thank you, Jacob. This is good timing. There's much that we need." His black eyes flickered to the cupthat Bella was holding so tight.
"Honestly, I think you're safe to take more than three. I'm pretty positive that Sam is concentrating on LaPush."Carlisle nodded in agreement. It surprised me how willingly he took my advice. "If you think so. Alice,Esme, Jasper, and I will go. Then Alice can take Emmett and Rosa—""Not a chance," Rosalie hissed. "Emmett can go with you now.""You should hunt," Carlisle said in a gentle voice.
His tone didn't soften hers. "I'll hunt when he does," she growled, jerking her head toward Edward andthen flipping her hair back.
Carlisle sighed.
Jasper and Emmett were down the stairs in a flash, and Alice joined them by the glass back door in thesame second. Esme flitted to Alice's side.
Carlisle put his hand on my arm. The icy touch did not feel good, but I didn't jerk away. I held still, halfin surprise, and half because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
"Thank you," he said again, and then he darted out the door with the other four. My eyes followed themas they flew across the lawn and then disappeared before I took another breath. Their needs must havebeen more urgent than I'd imagined.
There was no sound for a minute. I could feel someone glaring at me, and I knew who it would be. I'dbeen planning to take off and get some Z's, but the chance to ruin Rosalie's morning seemed too good topass up.
So I sauntered over to the armchair next to the one Rosalie had and settled in, sprawling out so that myheadwas tilted toward Bella and my left foot was near Rosalie's face.
"Ew. Someone put the dog out," she murmured, wrinkling her nose.
"Have you heard this one, Psycho? How do a blonde's brain cells die?"She didn't say anything.
"Well?" I asked. "Do you know the punch line or not?"She looked pointedly at the TV and ignored me.
"Has she heard it?" I asked Edward.
There was no humor on his tense face—he didn't move his eyes from Bella. But he said, "No.""Awesome. So you'll enjoy this, bloodsucker—a blonde's brain cells die alone."Rosalie still didn't look at me. "I have killed a hundred times more often than you have, you disgustingbeast. Don't forget that.""Someday, Beauty Queen, you're going to get tired of just threatening me. I'm really looking forward tothat.""Enough, Jacob," Bella said.
I looked down, and she was scowling at me. It looked like yesterday's good mood was long gone.
Well, I didn't want to bug her. "You want me to take off?" I offered.
Before I could hope—or fear—that she'd finally gotten tired of me, she blinked, and her frowndisappeared. She seemed totally shocked that I would come to that conclusion. "No! Of course not."I sighed, and I heard Edward sigh very quietly, too. I knew he wished she'd get over me, too. Too badhe'd never ask her to do anything that might make her unhappy.
"You look tired," Bella commented.
"Dead beat," I admitted.
I'dlike to beat you dead," Rosalie muttered, too low for Bella to hear.
I just slumped deeper into the chair, getting comfortable. My bare foot dangled closer to Rosalie, andshe stiffened. After a few minutes Bella asked Rosalie for a refill. I felt the wind as Rosalie blew upstairsto get her some more blood. It was really quiet. Might as well take a nap, I figured.
And then Edward said, "Did you say something?" in a puzzled tone. Strange. Because no one had saidanything, and because Edward's hearing was as good as mine, and he should have known that.
He was staring at Bella, and she was staring back. They both looked confused.
"Me?" she asked after a second. "I didn't say anything."He moved onto his knees, leaning forward over her, his expression suddenly intense in a whole differentway. His black eyes focused on her face.
"What are you thinking about right now?"She stared at him blankly. "Nothing. What's going on?""What were you thinking about a minute ago?" he asked.
"Just... Esme's island. And feathers."Sounded like total gibberish to me, but then she blushed, and I figured I was better off not knowing.
"Say something else," he whispered.
Tike what? Edward, what's going on?"His face changed again, and he did something that made my mouth fall open with a pop. I heard a gaspbehind me, and I knew that Rosalie was back, and just as flabbergasted as I was.
Edward, very lightly, put both of his hands against her huge, round stomach.
'The f—" He swallowed. "It... the baby likes the sound of your voice."There was one short beat of total silence. I could not move a muscle, even to blink. Then—"Holy crow, you can hear him!"Bella shouted. In the next second, she winced.
Edward's hand moved to the top peak of her belly and gently rubbed the spot where it must have kickedher.
"Shh," he murmured. "You startled it... him."Her eyes got all wide and full of wonder. She patted the side of her stomach. "Sorry, baby."Edward was listening hard, his head tilted toward the bulge.
"What's he thinking now?" she demanded eagerly.
"It... he or she, is ..." He paused and looked up into her eyes. His eyes were filled with a similar awe—only his were more careful and grudging. "He's happy" Edward said in an incredulous voice.
Her breath caught, and it was impossible not to see the fanatical gleam in her eyes. The adoration andthe devotion. Big, fat tears overflowed her eyes and ran silently down her face and over her smiling lips.
As he stared at her, his face was not frightened or angry or burning or any of the other expressions he'dworn since their return. He was marveling with her.
"Of course you're happy, pretty baby, of course you are," she crooned, rubbing her stomach while thetears washed her cheeks. "How could you not be, all safe and warm and loved? I love you so much, littleEJ, of course you're happy.""What did you call him?" Edward asked curiously.
She blushed again. "I sort of named him. I didn't think you would want... well, you know.""EJ?""Your father's name was Edward, too.""Yes, it was. What—?" He paused and then said, "Hmm.""What?""He likes my voice, too.""Of course he does." Her tone was almost gloating now. "You have the most beautiful voice in theuniverse. Who wouldn't love it?""Do you have a backup plan?" Rosalie asked then, leaning over the back of the sofa with the samewondering, gloating look on her face that was on Bella's. "What if he's a she?"Bella wiped the back of her hand under her wet eyes. "I kicked a few things around. Playing with ReneeandEsme. I was thinking... Ruh-nez-may.""Ruhnezmay?""R-e-n-e-s-m-e-e. Too weird?""No, I like it," Rosalie assured her. Their heads were close together, gold and mahogany. "It's beautiful.
And one of a kind, so that fits""I still think he's an Edward."Edward was staring off into space, his face blank as he listened.
"What?" Bella asked, her face just glowing away. "What's he thinking now?"At first he didn't answer, and then—shocking all the rest of us again, three distinct and separategasps—he laid his ear tenderly against her belly.
"He loves you," Edward whispered, sounding dazed. "He absolutely adores you."In that moment, I knew that I was alone. All alone.
I wanted to kick myself when I realized how much I'd been counting on that loathsome vampire. Howstupid—as if you could ever trust a leech! Of course he would betray me in the end.
I'd counted on him to be on my side. I'd counted on him to suffer more than I suffered. And, most of all,I'd counted on him to hate that revolting thing killing Bella more than I hated it.
I'd trusted him with that.
Yet now they were together, the two of them bent over the budding, invisible monster with their eyes litup like a happy family.
And I was all alone with my hatred and the pain that was so bad it was like being tortured. Like beingdragged slowly across a bed of razor blades. Pain so bad you'd take death with a smile just to get awayfrom it.
The heat unlocked my frozen muscles, and I was on my feet.
All three of their heads snapped up, and I watched my pain ripple across Edward's face as hetrespassed in my head again.
"Ahh," he choked.
I didn't know what I was doing; I stood there, trembling, ready to bolt for the very first escape that Icould think of.
Moving like the strike of a snake, Edward darted to a small end table and ripped something from thedrawer there. He tossed it at me, and I caught the object reflexively.
"Go, Jacob. Get away from here." He didn't say it harshly—he threw the words at me like they were alife preserver. He was helping me find the escape I was dying for.
The object in my hand was a set of car keys.