Mrs Page.
What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty,
and am I now a subject for them? Let me see.
Reads:
‘Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason
5
for his physician, he admits him not for his counsellor. You
are not young, no more am I; go to, then, there’s sympathy: you are
merry, so am I; ha, ha! then there’s more sympathy: you love sack, and
so do I; would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee,
Mistress Page,—at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,—that
10
I love thee. I will not say, pity me,—’tis not a soldier-like
phrase; but I say, love me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
15
With all his might
For thee to fight, John
Falstaff.’
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! One that is
well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant! What
an
unweighed behaviour hath
20
this Flemish drunkard picked—with the devil’s name!—out
of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath
not been thrice in my company! What should I say to him? I was then
frugal of my mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the
II. 1.
25 parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
25 parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Mrs Ford.
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
30
Mrs Page.
And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill.
Mrs Ford.
Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
Mrs Page.
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
35
Mrs Ford.
Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to the contrary.
O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!
Mrs Page.
What’s the matter, woman?
Mrs Ford.
O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect,
40
I could come to such honour!
Mrs Page.
Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is it?—dispense with
trifles;—what is it?
Mrs Ford.
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be
knighted.
45
Mrs Page.
What?
thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst
not alter the article of thy gentry.
Mrs Ford.
We burn daylight:—here, read, read; perceive how I might be
knighted. I shall think the worse of
II. 1.
50 fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of men’s liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no 55 more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of ‘Green Sleeves.’ What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with 60 hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
50 fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of men’s liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no 55 more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of ‘Green Sleeves.’ What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with 60 hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
Mrs Page.
Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs! To thy
great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin-brother
of thy letter:
65
but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall.
I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank
space for different names,—sure, more,—and these are
of the second edition: he will print them, out of doubt; for he cares
not what he puts into the press, when he would
70
put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under Mount Pelion.
Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste
man.
Mrs Ford.
Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he
think of us?
II. 1.
75 Mrs Page. Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
75 Mrs Page. Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
80
Mrs Ford.
‘Boarding,’ call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck.
Mrs Page.
So will I: if he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s
be revenged on him: let’s appoint him a meeting; give him a show of
comfort in his
85
suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned his
horses to mine host of the Garter.
Mrs Ford.
Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him, that may not sully
the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! it
would give
90
eternal food to his jealousy.
Mrs Page.
Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he’s as far from jealousy
as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable
distance.
95
Mrs Ford.
You are the happier woman.
Mrs Page.
Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.
They retire.
Ford.
Well, I hope it be not so.
Pist.
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
II. 1.
100 Sir John affects thy wife.
100 Sir John affects thy wife.
Ford.
Why, sir, my wife is not young.
Pist. He wooes both high and low, both rich
and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.
105
Ford.
Love my wife!
Pist.
With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,
Like Sir Actæon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
O, odious is the name!
Ford.
What name, sir?
110
Pist.
The horn, I say. Farewell.
Take heed; have open eye; for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo-birds do sing.
Away, Sir Corporal Nym!—
Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
Exit.
115
Ford.
[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.
Nym.
[To Page] And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He
hath
wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter
to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He
120
loves your wife; there’s the short and the long. My name is Corporal
Nym; I speak, and I avouch; ’tis true: my name is Nym, and
Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and
cheese [and there’s the humour of it]. Adieu.
Exit.
II. 1.
125 Page. ‘The humour of it,’ quoth ’a! here’s a fellow frights English out of his wits.
125 Page. ‘The humour of it,’ quoth ’a! here’s a fellow frights English out of his wits.
Ford.
I will seek out Falstaff.
Page.
I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
Ford.
If I do find it:—well.
130
Page.
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o’ the town
commended him for a true man.
Ford.
’Twas a good sensible fellow:—well.
Page.
How now, Meg!
Mrs Page and Mrs Ford come forward.
Mrs Page.
Whither go you, George? Hark you.
135
Mrs Ford.
How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
Ford.
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
Mrs Ford.
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy
140
head.
Now, will you go, Mistress Page?
Mrs Page.
Have with you. You’ll come to dinner, George? [Aside to Mrs Ford]
Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this paltry
knight.
Mrs Ford.
[Aside to Mrs Page] Trust me, I thought on
145
her: she’ll fit it.
Mrs Page.
You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Quick.
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
Mrs Page.
Go in with us and see: we have an hour’s
II. 1.
150 talk with you.
150 talk with you.
Exeunt Mrs Page, Mrs Ford, and Mrs Quickly.
Page.
How now, Master Ford!
Ford.
You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
Page.
Yes: and you heard what the other told me?
Ford.
Do you think there is truth in them?
155
Page.
Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it: but these
that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his
discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service.
Ford.
Were they his men?
160
Page.
Marry, were they.
Ford.
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?
Page.
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage toward my wife,
I would turn her loose to him; and
165
what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.
Ford.
I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together.
A man may be too confident: I would have nothing lie on my
head: I cannot be thus
170
satisfied.
Page.
Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes: there is either liquor
in his pate, or money in his purse, when he looks so merrily.
How now, mine host!
II. 1.
175 Host. How now, bully-rook! thou’rt a gentleman. Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
175 Host. How now, bully-rook! thou’rt a gentleman. Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
Shal.
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page!
Master Page, will you go with us? we have sport in hand.
180
Host. Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
Shal.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and
Caius the French doctor.
Ford.
Good mine host o’ the Garter, a word with you.
Drawing him aside.
Host.
What sayest thou, my bully-rook?
185
Shal.
[To Page] Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had
the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them
contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.
Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
They converse apart.
Host.
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
190
guest-cavaleire?
Ford. None, I protest: but I’ll give you a
pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is
Brook; only for a jest.
195
Host.
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;—said I
well?—and thy name shall be Brook. It
is a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?
Shal.
Have with you, mine host.
Page.
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in
II. 1.
200 his rapier.
200 his rapier.
Shal.
Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times you stand on
distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: ’tis the heart,
Master Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time, with my
long sword I would
205
have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Host.
Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?
Page.
Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight.
Exeunt Host, Shal., and Page.
Ford.
Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so
210
firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion
so easily: she was in his company at Page’s house; and what they made
there, I know not. Well, I will look further into’t: and I
have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not
my labour; if she be otherwise,
215
’tis labour well bestowed.
Exit.
