our body language, which includes your posture,X your expressions and your gestures, accounts formore than one-half of what other people respond to andmake assumptions about.
47how to make people Like you in 90 seconds or LessWhen people think of body language, they tend tothink it means what happens from the neck down. Butmuch of what we communicate to others—and whatthey make assumptions about—comes from the neckup. Facial gestures and nods and tilts of the head have avocabulary that equals or exceeds that of the body fromthe neck down.
The signals we send with our bodies are rich withmeaning and global in their scope. Some of them arehardwired into us at birth; others are picked up from oursociety and culture. Everywhere on the planet, panicinduces an uncontrollable shielding of the heart with thehands and/or a freezing of the limbs. A smile is a smileon all continents, while sadness is displayed throughdown-turned lips as often in New York as in Papua NewGuinea. The clenched fists of determination and theopen palms of truth convey the same message in Icelandas they do in Indonesia.
And no matter where on earth you find yourself,mothers and fathers instinctively cradle their babieswith the head against the left side of their body, close tothe heart. The heart is at the heart of it. Facial expressionsand body language are all obedient to the greaterpurpose of helping your body maintain the well-being ofits center of feeling, mood and emotion—your heart.
Volumes have been written about body language, butwhen all is said and done, this form of communication48can be broken down into two rather broad categories:
open and closed. Open body language exposes theheart, while closed body language defends or protectsit. In establishing rapport, we can also think in terms ofinclusive gestures and noninclusive gestures.
Open Body LanguageOpen body language exposes your heart and body(within limits of decency, of course!) and signals cooperation,agreement, willingness, enthusiasm and approval.
These gestures are meant to be seen. They show trust.
They say "YES!"Your body doesn't know how to lie. Unconsciously,with no directions from you, it transmits yourthoughts and feelings in a language of its own tothe bodies of other people, and these bodiesunderstand the language perfectly. Any contradictionsin the language can interrupt the developmentof rapport.
In his classic work How to Read a Person like a Book,Gerard I. Nierenberg explains the value of open gestures.
These gestures include open hands and uncrossed armsas well as the occasional subtle movement toward theother person that says "I am with you" and showsacceptance: an open coat or jacket, for example, both49literally and symbolically exposes the heart. When usedtogether, such gestures say "Things are going well."Positive, open-body gestures reach out to others.
These gestures are generally slow and deliberate. Whenan open person makes contact with the heart of anotherperson, a strong connection is made and trust becomespossible. (You know the feeling of a good hug? Or aheart-to-heart talk?)When you meet someone new, immediately pointyour heart warmly at that person's heart. There ismagic in this.
Other common open gestures include standing withyour hands on your hips and your feet apart, a stancethat shows enthusiasm and willingness, and moving forwardin your chair (if accompanied by other open gestures).
Leaning forward shows interest, and uncrossingyour arms or legs signals you are open to suggestions.
Closed Body LanguageDefensiveness is shown through gestures that protectthe body and defend the heart. These gestures suggestresistance, frustration, anxiety, stubbornness, nervousnessand impatience. They are negative gestures, andthey say "NO!"50Crossed arms are common to all manifestations ofdefensiveness. They hide the heart and defend one'sfeelings. Although you can also be relatively relaxedwith your arms crossed, the difference between arelaxed crossed-arm position and a defensive crossed-arm position is in the accompanying gestures. For example,are your arms loosely folded or pressed close toyour body? Are your hands clenched or open?
Defensive gestures are often fast and evasive andbeyond your conscious control. Your body has a mindof its own and is ruled by your attitude, useful or useless.
In addition to crossed arms, the most obviousdefensive gestures are avoiding eye contact with theother person and turning your body sideways. Fidgetingis another negative gesture, which can also show impatienceor nervousness.
Right away, you can see the difference between a personwho faces you squarely and honestly, and someonewho stands sideways to you with crossed arms andhunched shoulders while the two of you talk. In the firstinstance, the person is openly pointing his heart directlyat your heart. In the second, the posture is defensive;the person is pointing his heart away from you and protectingit. One is being open with you, the other closed.
Being in the presence of these two postures producesvery different feelings.
51Smaller GesturesHand gestures are also part of the vocabulary of bodylanguage. They, too, can be divided into open gestures(positive responses) and closed or concealed gestures(negative responses), except that their range is far moreintricate and expressive. I should point out that individualgestures, just like the individual words on this page,don't say much. Only when you're presented with morethan one gesture, perhaps combined with an expressionand topped off with some overall body language, canyou deduce that a particular clenched fist means "Wow,my horse came in first!" and not "I'm so mad I want toslap him!"A similar set of differences occurs in body languageabove the neck. The open face smiles, makes eye contact,gives feedback, shows curiosity and raises the eyebrowsto show interest. In a casual encounter, a quicklook and a lowering of the eyes says, "I trust you. I'm notafraid of you." A prolonged look strengthens the positivesignal. In conversation, we may use a nod of the head atthe end of a statement to indicate that an answer isexpected.
In contrast, the closed face frowns, purses the lipsand avoids eye contact. And there is yet another negativecategory to add to facial responses. We politely callit the neutral, or expressionless, face. It's the one thatjust gawks at you like a dead trout. In the next chapter,52you'll find out how to react to this "non-face," which canbe very disconcerting if you don't know how to dealwith it.
Frequently I look around at my audiences and recognizepeople who have heard me talk before. I recognizethem because they have "the look of recognition" ontheir face when they see me. It's a look, or even an attitude,of silent anticipation that any minute I'll recognizethem. Well, this look can work wonders—from time totime—with people you haven't met before. If you're onyour own, try it out right now. Let your mouth openslightly in a smile as your eyebrows arch and your headtilts back a little with anticipation as you look directlyat an imaginary person. A variation is to tilt your headas you look slightly away and then look back at the personwith the bare minimum of a frown and/or pursedlips. Practice. Then give it a try. Be as subtle as you possiblycan.
Last spring, I rented a bus for my daughter and herfriends to be chauffeured around in on the night of theirprom. While I was paying at the rental office, I noticed awoman sitting at the next desk over. She had a look onher face that said she knew me, and I racked my brain toplace her. I couldn't.
In the end I had to say, "I'm sorry, but have we metbefore?""No," she replied seriously. Then she stood up at her
47how to make people Like you in 90 seconds or LessWhen people think of body language, they tend tothink it means what happens from the neck down. Butmuch of what we communicate to others—and whatthey make assumptions about—comes from the neckup. Facial gestures and nods and tilts of the head have avocabulary that equals or exceeds that of the body fromthe neck down.
The signals we send with our bodies are rich withmeaning and global in their scope. Some of them arehardwired into us at birth; others are picked up from oursociety and culture. Everywhere on the planet, panicinduces an uncontrollable shielding of the heart with thehands and/or a freezing of the limbs. A smile is a smileon all continents, while sadness is displayed throughdown-turned lips as often in New York as in Papua NewGuinea. The clenched fists of determination and theopen palms of truth convey the same message in Icelandas they do in Indonesia.
And no matter where on earth you find yourself,mothers and fathers instinctively cradle their babieswith the head against the left side of their body, close tothe heart. The heart is at the heart of it. Facial expressionsand body language are all obedient to the greaterpurpose of helping your body maintain the well-being ofits center of feeling, mood and emotion—your heart.
Volumes have been written about body language, butwhen all is said and done, this form of communication48can be broken down into two rather broad categories:
open and closed. Open body language exposes theheart, while closed body language defends or protectsit. In establishing rapport, we can also think in terms ofinclusive gestures and noninclusive gestures.
Open Body LanguageOpen body language exposes your heart and body(within limits of decency, of course!) and signals cooperation,agreement, willingness, enthusiasm and approval.
These gestures are meant to be seen. They show trust.
They say "YES!"Your body doesn't know how to lie. Unconsciously,with no directions from you, it transmits yourthoughts and feelings in a language of its own tothe bodies of other people, and these bodiesunderstand the language perfectly. Any contradictionsin the language can interrupt the developmentof rapport.
In his classic work How to Read a Person like a Book,Gerard I. Nierenberg explains the value of open gestures.
These gestures include open hands and uncrossed armsas well as the occasional subtle movement toward theother person that says "I am with you" and showsacceptance: an open coat or jacket, for example, both49literally and symbolically exposes the heart. When usedtogether, such gestures say "Things are going well."Positive, open-body gestures reach out to others.
These gestures are generally slow and deliberate. Whenan open person makes contact with the heart of anotherperson, a strong connection is made and trust becomespossible. (You know the feeling of a good hug? Or aheart-to-heart talk?)When you meet someone new, immediately pointyour heart warmly at that person's heart. There ismagic in this.
Other common open gestures include standing withyour hands on your hips and your feet apart, a stancethat shows enthusiasm and willingness, and moving forwardin your chair (if accompanied by other open gestures).
Leaning forward shows interest, and uncrossingyour arms or legs signals you are open to suggestions.
Closed Body LanguageDefensiveness is shown through gestures that protectthe body and defend the heart. These gestures suggestresistance, frustration, anxiety, stubbornness, nervousnessand impatience. They are negative gestures, andthey say "NO!"50Crossed arms are common to all manifestations ofdefensiveness. They hide the heart and defend one'sfeelings. Although you can also be relatively relaxedwith your arms crossed, the difference between arelaxed crossed-arm position and a defensive crossed-arm position is in the accompanying gestures. For example,are your arms loosely folded or pressed close toyour body? Are your hands clenched or open?
Defensive gestures are often fast and evasive andbeyond your conscious control. Your body has a mindof its own and is ruled by your attitude, useful or useless.
In addition to crossed arms, the most obviousdefensive gestures are avoiding eye contact with theother person and turning your body sideways. Fidgetingis another negative gesture, which can also show impatienceor nervousness.
Right away, you can see the difference between a personwho faces you squarely and honestly, and someonewho stands sideways to you with crossed arms andhunched shoulders while the two of you talk. In the firstinstance, the person is openly pointing his heart directlyat your heart. In the second, the posture is defensive;the person is pointing his heart away from you and protectingit. One is being open with you, the other closed.
Being in the presence of these two postures producesvery different feelings.
51Smaller GesturesHand gestures are also part of the vocabulary of bodylanguage. They, too, can be divided into open gestures(positive responses) and closed or concealed gestures(negative responses), except that their range is far moreintricate and expressive. I should point out that individualgestures, just like the individual words on this page,don't say much. Only when you're presented with morethan one gesture, perhaps combined with an expressionand topped off with some overall body language, canyou deduce that a particular clenched fist means "Wow,my horse came in first!" and not "I'm so mad I want toslap him!"A similar set of differences occurs in body languageabove the neck. The open face smiles, makes eye contact,gives feedback, shows curiosity and raises the eyebrowsto show interest. In a casual encounter, a quicklook and a lowering of the eyes says, "I trust you. I'm notafraid of you." A prolonged look strengthens the positivesignal. In conversation, we may use a nod of the head atthe end of a statement to indicate that an answer isexpected.
In contrast, the closed face frowns, purses the lipsand avoids eye contact. And there is yet another negativecategory to add to facial responses. We politely callit the neutral, or expressionless, face. It's the one thatjust gawks at you like a dead trout. In the next chapter,52you'll find out how to react to this "non-face," which canbe very disconcerting if you don't know how to dealwith it.
Frequently I look around at my audiences and recognizepeople who have heard me talk before. I recognizethem because they have "the look of recognition" ontheir face when they see me. It's a look, or even an attitude,of silent anticipation that any minute I'll recognizethem. Well, this look can work wonders—from time totime—with people you haven't met before. If you're onyour own, try it out right now. Let your mouth openslightly in a smile as your eyebrows arch and your headtilts back a little with anticipation as you look directlyat an imaginary person. A variation is to tilt your headas you look slightly away and then look back at the personwith the bare minimum of a frown and/or pursedlips. Practice. Then give it a try. Be as subtle as you possiblycan.
Last spring, I rented a bus for my daughter and herfriends to be chauffeured around in on the night of theirprom. While I was paying at the rental office, I noticed awoman sitting at the next desk over. She had a look onher face that said she knew me, and I racked my brain toplace her. I couldn't.
In the end I had to say, "I'm sorry, but have we metbefore?""No," she replied seriously. Then she stood up at her